I am the Empress of Kerma

You may call me "Her Sarcastic Snarkiness."

So this jackass, apparently intent on creating the biggest entitlement complex in the US has claimed Bir Tawil so that his precious, deprived little princess can become an actual princess.

Bir Tawil is this chunk of unclaimed land between Egypt and Sudan. Why is it unclaimed?
It’s unclaimed because Egypt and Sudan are in a perpetual “not it!” contest over it. Because no one lives there. Because there is jack shit there. 

Dad says the family:

hopes to turn the area into an agricultural hub.

Hub of what, King No-Nads, Lacker of Parental Spine? Salt-bush? Edible rocks?

There are so many glaring issues of smug, pretentious entitlement, ignorance, and arrogance here it's breathtaking. 

So, following this jackass's reasoning, in order to make Bunny a true pretty, pretty princess:

I’m standing on top of the Defuffa at Kerma and I’m white. I’m the Empress of Kerma!

Oh, oh, and here I am with Tom, Emperor of Kerma!

Accepting Applications

When we first moved in this building, it was the quiet building in the complex. Now, not so much. The people above us seem to regularly bounce bowling balls.  Seriously, our ceiling visible dips at times and the ceiling fan shakes. 

With us on the ground floor are at least two apartments full of people who cannot close a door without slamming it. 

We have random tree puncher dude.

No one but us picks up after our dogs. 

The genius teenager in front of us likes to hang out with his friends in the breezeway under the stairs to smoke pot.  I wouldn't care except smoking ANYTHING in the breezeway is awful. And the kid totally fails at looking innocent. Eventually I will be irritated enough to just tell them. "Look, dude-bro, I can totally tell you're trying and failing to hide a joint over there. I don't care but please go somewhere else. And try to be less of a dipshit."

I want a cabin. With distant neighbors. 

Until then, I am grumpy and wish to smite things ala Narmer. I need a volunteer to carry my sandals though. Thus the title of this post. Please submit your applications in the comments.

Tens of dollars!

Based on my extensive market research (by which I mean sitting here petting the dogs while my fever goes higher) people around here will buy any damn thing if it has a fleur-de-lis on it. It seems to be a combination of the Saints being a halfway decent football team, attempting to link the coast with New Orleans by any means possible, and a desperate attempt to cling to the early French colonial history around here. I don't remember it being so popular and omnipresent in the early 90s but I had other priorities then, most of them related to avoiding bullies and trying not to die of boredom.

In any case: I propose to test this theory by hot gluing a bunch of fleurs-de-lis to doggy diapers. 

Problem: I need a venue to test market.  

Spells of Vital Importance

For some damn reason, the quotes are blanking for people. I have attempted to remedy that.

Mucking about with the Greek Magical Papyri a bit. I don't have the lovely book
Hans Dieter Betz (ed.), The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation Including the Demotic Spells, Chicago:  The University of Chicago Press, 1986, but various excerpts are available around on the web.
In particular:
An ancient version of Viagra

xxxiii. To Get an Erection When You Want Grind up a Pepper with some Honey and coat your Thing. [PGM VII.186]

Something I desperately needed at conferences and receptions

xxxi. To be Able to Drink a Lot and Not Get Drunk Eat a baked Pig's Lung. [PGM VII.181]

Cure for Social Anxiety (presumably, you're too busy worrying about the crap on your face?)

xxx. To Let Those Who Have Difficulty Intermingling

[i.e. Socializing] Perform Well Give Gum mixed with Wine and Honey to be smeared on the Face. [PGM VII.179-80]

For migraine (totally trying this one)

xix. Spell for Migraine Headache
Take Oil in your Hands and utter the Spell: "Zeus sowed a Grape Seed: it parts the Soil; He does not sow it; it does not sprout." [PGM VII.199-201]

A Contraceptive. I assume the operative principle is that you are so busy collecting everything and mixing it that you have no time for sex.

xxi. A Contraceptive, the Only One in the World
Take as many Bittervetch Seeds as you want for the Number of Years you wish to remain Sterile. Steep them in the Menses of a Menstruating Woman. Let them steep in her own Genitals. And take a Frog that is alive and throw the Bittervetch Seeds into its Mouth so that the Frog swallows them, and release the Frog alive at the place where you captured him. And take a Seed of Henbane, steep it in Mare's Milk; and take the Nasal Mucus of a Cow, with Grains of Barley, put these into a Leather Skin made from a Fawn and on the outside bind it up with Mulehide Skin, and attach it as an Amulet during the Waning of the Moon in a Female Sign of the Zodiac on a Day of Kronos or Hermes [i.e., Saturn or Mercury]. Mix in also, with the Barley Grains, Cerumen from the Ear of a Mule. [PGM XXXVI.320-32]

Snarking: The Next Generation

Star Trek: The Next Generation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we've started watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Tonight, we saw interstellar meth heads  (also seen in Wrath of Khan) and we got to see an awesome new instrument which I have dubbed the "Dildophone."
Like a xylophone, only with peens.

Tom said I should learn to play the Dildophone and I said "hang on, let me find my mallets" and then Tom snarfed his dinner.

On a related note, I may have told my class that the Egyptian creator god masturbated the universe into being because he was bored and that Isis invented the dildo. And something about the personification of PMS.

If I had remembered how much I was going to have to talk about penises and incest, I probably wouldn't have decided on religion and magic this term...  Seriously, Egyptian religion is like those dreadful VC Andrews novels no one admits they read back in the day.

This week I've been battling a wicked cold or something. I cannot brain good. Fortunately class didn't meet today so I didn't subject them to even more random blathering. Well, actually I did, but it was electronic.

WE ARE PREPARED!

So Isaac, who apparently has serious identity crises issues, is heading for us. Probably. Whatever. Tropical storm, hurricane, tropical storm, and back and forth and back and forth like a hooker in Tampa right now.

We've got food and water and Tom has booze and I have yarn and Oreo has pillows. We're sheltering in place.

Also, super headlight of superness

Bring it, bitches!

Things we have learned:

• Dippy stoner girls do their hurricane shopping around 9:30 PM and make me want to stab people
• Plastic forks sell out quickly
• Every public official in and near New Orleans sounds nuts

Also, if I wake up and this bastard has turned into a Cat 3 or something overnight I'm going to be really, really pissed. As it is, it's probably going to just sit over a huge swath of the Gulf Coast, aka "The Land Mass between NOLA and Mobile" for at least a day with major storm features.

Oh, and according to the Weather Channel, I got my BA at this place:

Mississippi State? Never heard of it.
See more on Know Your Meme

Thanks, guys. We had almost gotten over no one being able to pronounce Biloxi properly after Katrina.
And, you know, everyone flipping their shit about New Orleans when the entire "Land Mass" was laid waste.

Related articles

• Isaac threat to Gulf well beyond New Orleans

The past few days

I think this quote says it best:

“There are no words for this — it is just nuts,” said Dr. Michael Greene, a professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School.

Health Experts Dismiss Assertions on Rape - NYTimes.com

Anywho, I think most of you can guess how I feel about Todd Akin and his, shall we say "eeeeenteresting" view of reality.
And you can probably also guess that I would think it was awesome if my uterus had magic powers. I mean, beyond the capacity to wander through my body and make me crazy.

I mean, wouldn't this be cool?

This seems a bit ghoulish even to me

Really, Weather Channel? I get to see my friends facing down, like, a tornado or something? That sounds AWESOME!

Actually, if I could see my friends during hurricanes or whatever instead of the dumb-asses they usually have on air, it would at least be more entertaining.

Rest in Peace, Dr. Ride

Sally Ride, the first American woman in space. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Reading the NYT article is a wonderful refresher of how far gender equality has come and how much further we still have to go.
Example:

...politely endured reporters’ asking...whether she would wear a bra or makeup in space, whether she cried on the job...

I'm pretty sure that I would have had some really entertaining names to call people asking idiotic questions like that. Or remarkably snarky responses.
"Nope, no bra. Should make it easier for the topless astronauts gone wild video we'll be making in cooperation with Playboy to afford the next shuttle launch."
"My brain saps too much energy for me to menstruate. Should I start bleeding, though, I'll be isolated in the payload bay for 3-5 days so as not to destroy the guidance system with my scary lady mojo."
"I haven't cried on the job yet, but this press conference is getting me close to tears of rage. Lemme go put on some mascara and you can get a Tammy Faye shot."

On the flip side, women still have to deal with stupid-ass questions just like that.
Dr. Sally Ride was a driven, talented person and an inspiration to a generation of children interested in space flight, male and female.

Using My Degrees

Yesterday I used the hell out of my education.

Item 1:
Demonstrating that SpongeBob was one of the enemies the sun god had to face in the Underworld. Proof:

This is every bit as legitimate as the Abydos Helicopter bullshit.

Wollmeise--Skarabaus (Photo credit: lobstah1977)

Item 2:
Offering to build someone a pyramid in exchange for Wollmeise. I've never even touched Wollmeise. And damn do I need some of the Skarabaus colorway that I discovered when Zemanta spat out media related to this post.
Mmmmm, pretty, pretty yarns.
As soon as the person in question collects some gold, some limestone blocks, and some labor that will work for beer, bread, and onions that fancy pants yarn will be mine!

Jenny McCarthy and Space Hippies

Santa Bot space hippies (Photo credit: shoveling_ferret)

Watching The Way to Eden, best known as the space hippy episode. Given Kirk's inability to keep it in his pants, you'd think he'd welcome a bunch of free-love types, but, no, he's all "get a haircut and lose the interstellar patchouli."

Anyway, the crazy, self-centered, irresponsible leader of the hippies, Dr. Sevrin is carrying a highly virulent disease that cannot be cured but can be prevented via vaccine. He apparently decided not to get the vaccine and has been knowingly wandering the galaxy exposing people even though he's been told how dangerous this is.

Why does this sound familiar?
Oh, right.

Anyway, the space hippies are annoying as hell and their drum circle sucks. Wow does it suck. Damn. 1969 in LA and they couldn't find better hippies? I mean, they could have paid them in pot and let them wear their own clothes. Instead they clearly let some 50 year-old dude who was a fan of the Monkees hire these assholes. "Yep, this is totally counter-culture. Them kids will totally boogy to this."

Also, Spock jamming with the hippies is physical painful to watch.

And could they possibly have been any more heavy-handed with the whole "the planet is made of acid!" thing? Burny acid, not trippy acid. Worst trip ever.

Apparently this episode didn't suck so much in the first draft. One of the hippies was supposed to be McCoy's daughter and Kirk was supposed to be all "mmmm, space hippy." And, obviously, McCoy was going to be all "you're gonna be dead, Jim." The original writer, the awesome DC Fontana asked they change her credit to an entirely different name, in fact, because she thought it sucked so hard.

How Did Egyptian Folding Chairs End Up in Northern Germany? - SPIEGEL ONLINE

How Did Egyptian Folding Chairs End Up in Northern Germany? - SPIEGEL ONLINE

Depending on where you stand on the theft vs. fair division of finds in regard to the bust of Nefertiti, this isn't the first time the Germans stole stuff from Egypt.

Inappropriate LOL skeleton of the day

'Sup, man. Just chilling with my bro.  Been waiting, like, millennia for my Corona, dude.

Source: Photos: Human Sacrifices Found at Ancient China Complex

Thanks to Julie for pointing out this article which led me to the skeleton article.

Dear Pope Palpatine

new Pope Palpatine (Photo credit: Alx)

Warning: Probably more exruciatingly offensive than usual
Sister Simone Campbell: Vatican Reprimand 'Like A Sock In The Stomach' : The Two-Way : NPR

Dear Pope Palpatine:
That stupid shit right up there in the link is why you are currently hemorrhaging female members of the church faster than a botched back-alley abortion.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people? You have climbed into bed with some of the worst hate-mongering asshats on the planet. People who used to and often still do think Catholics are the enemy right up there with Mooslims and Joooooooos (boogedy). Jack Chick, anyone?
Quit it.
I was never confirmed and haven't set foot in a church for anything but someone else's service since adulthood because of this kind of crap.
I am not a second-class human because I'm a woman. Gay people are not evil. Other views are not an automatic threat.
Grow the fuck up.

I award you 1 million snark points

Update: I think I fixed the awful, unreadable color problem

In honor of 1982 invasion of the Falkland Islands I give you the following fine example of British sarcasm in a military setting:

At 4.30pm on 2 April, the Governor's telex operator had this conversation with a Ministry of Defence operative in London, announcing that the islands were under Argentine control.^[39]

LON (London): HELLO THERE WHAT ARE ALL THESE RUMOURS WE HEAR THIS IS LON
FK (Falklands): WE HAVE LOTS OF NEW FRIENDS
LON: WHAT ABOUT INVASION RUMOURS
FK: THOSE ARE THE FRIENDS I WAS MEANING
LON: THEY HAVE LANDED
FK: ABSOLUTELY
LON: ARE YOU OPEN FOR TRAFFIC IE NORMAL TELEX SERVICE
FK: NO ORDERS ON THAT YET ONE MUST OBEY ORDERS
LON: WHOSE ORDERS
FK: THE NEW GOVERNORS
LON: ARGENTINA
FK: YES
LON: ARE THE ARGENTINIANS IN CONTROL
FK: YES YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THOUSANDS OF TROOPS PLUS ENORMOUS NAVY SUPPORT WHEN YOU ARE ONLY 1600 STRONG. STAND BY. (Source)

Hey guys, what's up?
There are dudes here with guns.
So what about those crazy Argentinians?
Those are the dudes with the guns, dumbass.

The Faulkland TELEX operator could not possibly give less of a shit. What are they going to do? Arrest him?

Does anyone else imagine how this would have turned out on Twitter? Also, why didn't Margaret Thatcher just frighten the Argentineans away with her scary, scary, scariness?

I've Uncovered the Secret of Ancient Egyptian Medicine

Consider the following scenario:
Ancient Egyptian Peasant: Dude, my eye hurts like Set's asshole!
Other Ancient Egyptian Peasant: Don't you mean like Horus's eye? That Set poked out. That we draw on everything. And that will rank in the top 10 unoriginal tattoos.
Peasant 1: Shut up, asshole sounds funnier.
Peasant 2: whatevs
Priest/Healer: hey, your eye hurts? I can fix that! Let me smear some of this on it.
Peasant 1: Um, is that poop?
Priest: No! Don't be ridiculous! It's poop and mucous and some straw.
Peasant 1: Hey, what do you know? My eye is totally better! I need to, um, go do some stonecarving. Bye!

Yep.

If Only I Had Tenure

I would actually use this slide.

It's Min, by the way, from Coptos.
And he is totally all about the penis.

Still Alive. Mostly.

Image via Wikipedia

My class is tiny. Tiny enough to be sort of weird. But at least it didn't get cancelled.

I've been freaking out the last 2 weeks pulling lectures together for topics I didn't cover that much with the old textbooks. This week is a little easier aside from the complication that is a UTI. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the left  kidney. Super fun. Trying to get a doctor to give me better antibiotics.

This week I'm just refining existing lecture and presentation. I had to firmly resist putting "OM NOM NOM" on this photo.

But that is totally what the lion is saying. It's in the missing piece of the palette. I swear it is. Just like the reconstructed stuff on this thing.

Planet of the Spray Tan

Watching "The Apple" at the moment.

Also known as:
"Look at these freaking Oompa Loompas"
"Holy crap, it's the planet of the guidos."
"Beta Carotene is all we eat"

Also, I've discovered another instance of Star Trek character or Republican?

Check it out:

Orange dipshit.

Uncannily similar orange dipshit who borrowed Biden's hair.

Someone find me a Democrat Star Trek doppleganger. I'll give you an internet pie. Or something.

Course Prep