Unknown Dangers in Ancient Egypt

Artifact - Archaeology Magazine
Monkeys stealing your nose. Or maybe picking it 

Spells of Vital Importance

For some damn reason, the quotes are blanking for people. I have attempted to remedy that.

Mucking about with the Greek Magical Papyri a bit. I don't have the lovely book
Hans Dieter Betz (ed.), The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation Including the Demotic Spells, Chicago:  The University of Chicago Press, 1986, but various excerpts are available around on the web.
In particular:
An ancient version of Viagra

xxxiii. To Get an Erection When You Want Grind up a Pepper with some Honey and coat your Thing. [PGM VII.186]

Something I desperately needed at conferences and receptions

xxxi. To be Able to Drink a Lot and Not Get Drunk Eat a baked Pig's Lung. [PGM VII.181]

Cure for Social Anxiety (presumably, you're too busy worrying about the crap on your face?)

xxx. To Let Those Who Have Difficulty Intermingling

[i.e. Socializing] Perform Well Give Gum mixed with Wine and Honey to be smeared on the Face. [PGM VII.179-80]

For migraine (totally trying this one)

xix. Spell for Migraine Headache
Take Oil in your Hands and utter the Spell: "Zeus sowed a Grape Seed: it parts the Soil; He does not sow it; it does not sprout." [PGM VII.199-201]

A Contraceptive. I assume the operative principle is that you are so busy collecting everything and mixing it that you have no time for sex.

xxi. A Contraceptive, the Only One in the World
Take as many Bittervetch Seeds as you want for the Number of Years you wish to remain Sterile. Steep them in the Menses of a Menstruating Woman. Let them steep in her own Genitals. And take a Frog that is alive and throw the Bittervetch Seeds into its Mouth so that the Frog swallows them, and release the Frog alive at the place where you captured him. And take a Seed of Henbane, steep it in Mare's Milk; and take the Nasal Mucus of a Cow, with Grains of Barley, put these into a Leather Skin made from a Fawn and on the outside bind it up with Mulehide Skin, and attach it as an Amulet during the Waning of the Moon in a Female Sign of the Zodiac on a Day of Kronos or Hermes [i.e., Saturn or Mercury]. Mix in also, with the Barley Grains, Cerumen from the Ear of a Mule. [PGM XXXVI.320-32]

Snarking: The Next Generation

Star Trek: The Next Generation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we've started watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Tonight, we saw interstellar meth heads  (also seen in Wrath of Khan) and we got to see an awesome new instrument which I have dubbed the "Dildophone."
Like a xylophone, only with peens.

Tom said I should learn to play the Dildophone and I said "hang on, let me find my mallets" and then Tom snarfed his dinner.

On a related note, I may have told my class that the Egyptian creator god masturbated the universe into being because he was bored and that Isis invented the dildo. And something about the personification of PMS.

If I had remembered how much I was going to have to talk about penises and incest, I probably wouldn't have decided on religion and magic this term...  Seriously, Egyptian religion is like those dreadful VC Andrews novels no one admits they read back in the day.

This week I've been battling a wicked cold or something. I cannot brain good. Fortunately class didn't meet today so I didn't subject them to even more random blathering. Well, actually I did, but it was electronic.

King Bunny-rabbit!

Pharaoh Unas's name on a stela at his pyramid complex in Saqqara. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When Pyramids Go Wrong (Photo credit: shoveling_ferret)

At some point I'm maystop getting all excited when I talk about King Unas, but for the time being:

ZOMG HIS NAME IS MADE OF BUNNIES!

Not Watching Star Trek for Once

Instead of doing class prep or otherwise being productive I've been watching terrible television. As in I was watching Toddlers and Tiaras. (I am very ashamed. Also, horrified.)

Then Netflix broke for a while.
Pretty sure that was a sign from the Universe that I should pollute my brain in other ways.

So, when Netflix starting working again, I decided to watch The Omen, because I love that movie for some reason. Probably Gregory Peck. And it is far, far less scary than Toddlers and Tiaras.

The last time I watched The Omen, I had never seen the Irish TV series Father Ted. I have since, however, become a rabid fan of it.

These things wouldn't be connected except that now, whenever I see the crazed old priest trying to warn Gregory Peck that his child is the spawn of Satan, I see Father Jack. Someone with the skills needs to replace all the priest scenes in the film with Father Jack yelling "Feck! Arse! Girls! DRINK!"

Holy crap, your kid is evil!

FECK!

WE ARE PREPARED!

So Isaac, who apparently has serious identity crises issues, is heading for us. Probably. Whatever. Tropical storm, hurricane, tropical storm, and back and forth and back and forth like a hooker in Tampa right now.

We've got food and water and Tom has booze and I have yarn and Oreo has pillows. We're sheltering in place.

Also, super headlight of superness

Bring it, bitches!

Things we have learned:

• Dippy stoner girls do their hurricane shopping around 9:30 PM and make me want to stab people
• Plastic forks sell out quickly
• Every public official in and near New Orleans sounds nuts

Also, if I wake up and this bastard has turned into a Cat 3 or something overnight I'm going to be really, really pissed. As it is, it's probably going to just sit over a huge swath of the Gulf Coast, aka "The Land Mass between NOLA and Mobile" for at least a day with major storm features.

Oh, and according to the Weather Channel, I got my BA at this place:

Mississippi State? Never heard of it.
See more on Know Your Meme

Thanks, guys. We had almost gotten over no one being able to pronounce Biloxi properly after Katrina.
And, you know, everyone flipping their shit about New Orleans when the entire "Land Mass" was laid waste.

Related articles

• Isaac threat to Gulf well beyond New Orleans

Best Place Name I've Seen Lately

The view north along the top of the cliffs at Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, a World Heritage Site in Alberta, Canada. Photo taken with a Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ20. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump

Basically, Native Americans (and other cultures in other places) chased buffalo to a cliff or drop-off or whatever, let gravity do its thing, and then reaped the rewards of tasty, tasty meat and stinky, stinky fur.


Demonstrating that stupidity knows no limitation in terms of culture or time period, I give you the reason Wikipedia gives for the place name:

In Blackfoot, the name for the site is Estipah-skikikini-kots. According to legend, a young Blackfoot wanted to watch the buffalo plunge off the cliff from below, but was buried underneath the falling buffalo. He was later found dead under the pile of carcasses, where he had his head smashed in

Idiot.

I wonder how that conversation went:

Idiot: Oh, cool, it's buffalo-run time again!
Other Blackfoot People: Yep, try not to run at them from the front this time, okay.
Idiot: But I wanted to see them running and then fall! Hey, I have an idea! I could stand under the cliff and watch while the rest of you chase them!
Other People: That sounds like a great idea! Dumbass.Several Hours Later
Other People: Anyone seen the idiot? He always disappears when we get to the gross parts.
Buffalo being moved
Other People: "Holy shit, he actually did it. The least we can do is memorialize his epic, epic stupidity for future generations."

And now it's a WORLD HERITAGE SITE!

Donations Needed

So I can buy this:

Fond of Big Bottoks Am I, You Other Mercians Can't Deny

Or, Aethelbald of Mercia, rather:

According to a story recorded by the 16th century antiquarian John Leland, and derived by him from a now lost book in the possession of the Earls of Rutland at Belvoir Castle, there was once a King Alfred III of Mercia, who reigned in the 730s.[45] Though no Mercian king was ever named Alfred, let alone three, if this story has any historical basis (which Leland himself rejected) it must presumably relate to Æthelbald. The legend states that Alfred III had occasion to visit a certain William de Albanac, alleged ancestor of the Earls of Rutland, at his castle near Grantham, and took a fancy to Willam's three comely daughters. It was the king's intention to take one as his mistress, but William threatened to kill whichever he chose rather than have her dishonoured in this way, whereupon Alfred "answerid that he meant to take one of them to wife, and chose Etheldrede that had fat bottoks, and of her he had Alurede that wan first all the Saxons the monarchy of England." A painting of this supposed incident was commissioned in 1778 by the then Duke of Rutland, but was destroyed in a fire in 1816. (Emphasis mine)

English: depiction of the Queen of Punt (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wonder how she compared to the Queen of Punt?

This seems a bit ghoulish even to me

Really, Weather Channel? I get to see my friends facing down, like, a tornado or something? That sounds AWESOME!

Actually, if I could see my friends during hurricanes or whatever instead of the dumb-asses they usually have on air, it would at least be more entertaining.

Atypical mole is atypical

See more on Know Your Meme My dermatologist just called. The pathology report came back mildly atypical. Which, for me, is probably not surprising.
Anyway, I just have to be really good about regular skin exams and protecting myself from the sun.
Yay!!!

In slightly related news, while yelling, "kiss my ass, this is a holy site" does sound very much like something I would say (and, in fact, possibly have said) I have not joined the Romney campaign. And if I said it, I was probably at an archaeological site. And joking.
Actually, I tend to make jokes about "look, sir, droids!" while pointing at all the things on site tours. Or try to get Tom to play blaster fight "pew pew pew."
And then everyone looks at me like I'm crazy.
Sigh.

Distrustful Talpid

English: European mole Talpa europaea (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Does not resemble my suspicious mole.

Finally got around to seeing a dermatologist today. I'm having major cystic acne issues, wanted my vitiligo checked out, and had some moles I also wanted checked out.

The doctor was concerned about one in particular. On my left hip/ass cheek. So, shot of lidocaine in the ass and they scraped that thing right off.
Pathology report should be back in a week. Aches a little but I'll live.

So, think of my ass for the next few days. As much as I would enjoy randomly telling people I have ass cancer, because I am really that immature, I don't actually want ass cancer of any variety.

Dermatologist was otherwise very nice, no high-pressure "buy our super fancy expensive skin care products!" or anything.

So, I have stuff that will hopefully help deal with the crazy acne (one of the few downsides of my Mirena). And I need to continue to coat myself in sunscreen, which I hate because it makes me feel all coated and sticky and weird. Buhhh.

Using My Degrees

Yesterday I used the hell out of my education.

Item 1:
Demonstrating that SpongeBob was one of the enemies the sun god had to face in the Underworld. Proof:

This is every bit as legitimate as the Abydos Helicopter bullshit.

Wollmeise--Skarabaus (Photo credit: lobstah1977)

Item 2:
Offering to build someone a pyramid in exchange for Wollmeise. I've never even touched Wollmeise. And damn do I need some of the Skarabaus colorway that I discovered when Zemanta spat out media related to this post.
Mmmmm, pretty, pretty yarns.
As soon as the person in question collects some gold, some limestone blocks, and some labor that will work for beer, bread, and onions that fancy pants yarn will be mine!

Jenny McCarthy and Space Hippies

Santa Bot space hippies (Photo credit: shoveling_ferret)

Watching The Way to Eden, best known as the space hippy episode. Given Kirk's inability to keep it in his pants, you'd think he'd welcome a bunch of free-love types, but, no, he's all "get a haircut and lose the interstellar patchouli."

Anyway, the crazy, self-centered, irresponsible leader of the hippies, Dr. Sevrin is carrying a highly virulent disease that cannot be cured but can be prevented via vaccine. He apparently decided not to get the vaccine and has been knowingly wandering the galaxy exposing people even though he's been told how dangerous this is.

Why does this sound familiar?
Oh, right.

Anyway, the space hippies are annoying as hell and their drum circle sucks. Wow does it suck. Damn. 1969 in LA and they couldn't find better hippies? I mean, they could have paid them in pot and let them wear their own clothes. Instead they clearly let some 50 year-old dude who was a fan of the Monkees hire these assholes. "Yep, this is totally counter-culture. Them kids will totally boogy to this."

Also, Spock jamming with the hippies is physical painful to watch.

And could they possibly have been any more heavy-handed with the whole "the planet is made of acid!" thing? Burny acid, not trippy acid. Worst trip ever.

Apparently this episode didn't suck so much in the first draft. One of the hippies was supposed to be McCoy's daughter and Kirk was supposed to be all "mmmm, space hippy." And, obviously, McCoy was going to be all "you're gonna be dead, Jim." The original writer, the awesome DC Fontana asked they change her credit to an entirely different name, in fact, because she thought it sucked so hard.

I would have cut a bitch

Zeus got all butthurt or something and we had a lightning strike near our apartment Saturday night. I actually had no idea about this, but our cable modem died, probably via the co-ax cable. Some guy in a nearby building had all his shit fried.

Tech couldn't get here until just a few minutes ago to bring us a new one. OMG no internet! We had to go buy DVDs so we could watch TV.
Actually, the upside to that is that I finally got all the original Star Trek movies on DVD as I found them for a reasonable sum.

Anyway, that was serious withdrawal. Smartphone is just not the same. Any longer and I'd have tried camping out by free wireless somewhere.

Significant Research

Jane Austen, Watercolour and pencil portrait by her sister Cassandra, 1810 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There's an invisible mummy in the background. Therefore, research!

I've been working very, very hard on course development. By watching Father Ted. Totally religious. Yes. Totally. Waaaaay connected to Egyptian religion and magic (in that there is religion and they are both set mostly on the same planet). It is absolutely, delightfully insane and hilarious, especially if you were raised Catholic. And it's on Netflix.

I've also found a beautiful Irish folk song that reminds me of my Nana and puts me in mind of how her parents and family must have felt when they emigrated. It's called A Stor Mo Chroi ("treasure of my heart")
This verse especially:

A Stór Mo Chroí, in the stranger's land
There is plenty of wealth and wailing.
Whilst gems adorn the great and the grand
There are faces with hunger pailing.
Though the road is toilsome, and hard to tread
And the lights of their cities will blind you.
Won't you turn a stór to Erin's shore
And the ones that you're leaving behind you.

I particularly like Amelia Hogan's rendition if you can find it.

And, um, re-reading Pride and Prejudice and a modern "sequel" (no, not the one with zombies). I was entirely uninterested in Jane Austen until a few years ago and now I'm all "oooooohhhhhh, get outta my way, I'm making Regency costumes..." It's at least around the same time the Rosetta Stone was found...
I've only managed Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility so far. Weirdly, I found it much easier to read and follow P&P on my Kindle than it had been in print. I'm guessing my print books had tiny characters in a weird font, maybe. Anyway, yet more reason to love my Kindle. Now if I can only learn to read and knit at the same time or convince myself to try audiobooks...

And in the process of writing this post, I have discovered a P&P sequel with an Egyptological twist - Pride and Pyramids (linkage below).

Related articles

• Pride and Pyramids Blog Tour with Authors Amanda Grange & Jacqueline Webb & Giveaway

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I may never fly again

Passenger's implant claim triggers flight diversion - CNN.com

First:

From the article:

Andrew Kobayashi, a passenger on the flight, said the woman was sweaty and acting nervous.
"I had briefly noticed her in the back of the plane being a weirdo," said Kobayashi, who was seated several rows further forward.

I am so screwed...
I mean, damn, when we fly with Oreo his travel case for in the cabin looks like ordinary luggage. I have no idea how many people have thought Tom and/or I were talking soothingly to a carry-on bag and feeding it pretzels.

Also, well, I'm me. If they start profiling weirdos...

Fun Fur Bikini

Watching Star Trek again. I think I need to reproduce the crazy lady-shaman costume (kahn-ut-tu) from A Private Little War.
Orange eyelash yarn, a complete disregard for dignity, a whole lot of spray tanner, and a cheap wig and I will have the best attention whoring convention costume ever.

I think Oreo would be an excellent mugato.

Tom refuses to take any part in my Star Trek geekery, so I guess he won't have to wear a blonde wig and buckskin vest.

Even the Romans Went Antiquing

Antinous as Osiris, wearing the nemes and the uraeus; the nose, mouth, left part of the face and major part of the bust are modern restorations. From the villa of Hadrian in Tivoli. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The villa's recreation of Canopus, a resort near Alexandria, as seen from the temple of Serapis (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Exhibit one - Hadrian's Villa.
(Actually, exhibit the only, because I'm exhausted and the stupid Topamax is making me stupider

Does anyone else find this Egyptian-style statue oddly posed? It's of Antinous, Hadrian's companion and probable lover.

Anyway, in addition to having Egyptian style stuff commissioned, Hadrian, one of the few Roman emperors to bother actually visiting Egypt, brought some stuff home with him.

This beautiful head of a female sphinx is said to have come from Hadrian's villa.

Head from a Female Sphinx. Found in Italy, said to have been in the ruins of Emperor Hadrian's villa at Tivoli, outside Rome; originally from Egypt, probably Heliopolis. Middle Kingdom, Dynasty 12, reign of Amunemhat II, circa 1876–1842 B.C.E. Chlorite, 15 5/16 x 13 1/8 x 13 15/16 in. (38.9 x 33.3 x 35.4 cm). Brooklyn Museum, Charles Edwin Wilbour Fund, 56.85 http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/exhibitions/egypt_reborn/female_sphinx.php 

In addition to the lovely head of the sphinx, there is this impressive naophorous statue of the Late Period. Naophorous just means a statue holding a shrine - typically a shrine that has another statue in it. Very meta. These become fairly common in the Late Period.

The Metropolitan Museum of Art - Naophorous Block Statue of a Governor of Sais, Psamtik(seneb) 

Inappropriate LOL skeleton of the day

'Sup, man. Just chilling with my bro.  Been waiting, like, millennia for my Corona, dude.

Source: Photos: Human Sacrifices Found at Ancient China Complex

Thanks to Julie for pointing out this article which led me to the skeleton article.