7.27.2009

How to Know if She Wants You: Men's Health aka Why Men are Confused All the Time

How to Know if She Wants You: Men's Health
This is a fabulously stupid list in so many, many ways I simply couldn't resist making my own snarky commentary.

1.I call you by your first name instead of your nickname, because, babe, I'm not one of your buds, nor do I intend to become one.
Because it couldn't possibly be that I find saying "Turd-blossom" to anyone in public distasteful. Or that I can't remember your nickname. Or that I'm trying to avoid being overly familiar so you won't think I have the hots for you.

2.I apply lip gloss often, but not in your presence. (If you witness makeup application of any sort, start calling yourself Chandler—you're officially a friend.)
Can guys tell when we're wearing lipgloss? Also, could it just be that I don't like applying lip gloss in front of guys because some of them find it sexual?

3.I rub my lips together often in your presence.
Because it's totally not because the damn lipgloss is sticky.

4.I sit at the edge of my seat.
What? I'm thinking this is more because you're giving off stalker vibes and I want to make a quick get away.

5.It's my birthday, and I'm still talking to you 10 minutes after you bought me a drink. (Note: Birthday girls of any age are easy—doubly so at decade markers.)
No.

6.Instead of merlot, I order a Corona, which, conveniently, is served in a bottle—the better to sexily sip from.
Plus, I hear that after beer belch is SUPER sexay. Also - any time I try to daintily sip form a bottle I make weird squealchy sounds.

7.My speech pattern is starting to resemble, like, Kirsten Dunst's.
Nothing to do with the Corona. Also, no chance I'm being sarcastic. None.

8.You smoke. I don't. Yet I'm talking to you.
Couldn't be because you're simply an interesting person. Nope.

9.I touch you (for any reason) more than once.
Does shoving your hand off my thigh count for this? Because I'm pretty sure that's a different kind of sign. How about smacking you for saying something stupid? OMG - I think I want to sleep with all of my male friends!!!!! (Ewwwww...)

10.I laugh, frequently and nervously, even amid humorless conversation.
You could be unintentionally hilarious. That's probably not a good thing.

11.I shout in your ear, because "it's so loud in here, I can't hear you!"
WHAT!?!?!

12.I use your name often in conversation.
Huh? Should I stop calling men by their names for fear they'll think I want in their pants?

13.I tell you that you look like some particular celebrity, which means I think both you and the celebrity are very hot.
What if that celebrity is Sarah Jessica Parker?

14.I bring up antimatter and black holes, or any other such pseudobrainy and vaguely sexual topic for discussion.
How in the hell are those topics either pseudobrainy or vaguely sexual? "When our particles meet, all creation will come to an end...baby." "I'll black your hole" (ewww).

15.The place is a rod-fest, yet I'm talking to you and you alone.
No chance you simply seem the least skeezy. Or the most sober. Or the most likely to snap if I talk to someone else.

16.My cell phone rings and I don't answer it. And I turn off my ringer immediately.
This couldn't possibly mean that I simply think it's rude to interrupt conversations with ANYONE with non-essential phone calls.

17.I say in a quasi-question/observation tone, "Your girlfriend must really like that?!" (A classic fishing-expedition tactic to ascertain whether there's currently a woman with this title in your life.)
There is no way this could possibly be sarcastic. None. No chance.

18.I tell you you're talented. a) It's a measured remark, so you know I'm sincere. b) By the Mick Jagger Laws of Chemistry, it must therefore follow that I think you're damn sexy. Talent is personality salsa: adds hot to any dish.
See 17.

19.I call you first. Or, sometimes, simply, I call you at all.
This is the only thing on this list so far that makes even a remote amount of sense. And that's not really saying a whole lot...

20.When you take me out for drinks, I'm wearing a different outfit or shoes or carrying a different handbag than when you saw me earlier today.
Couldn't be because I needed to change out of uncomfortable or inappropriate clothing. Or that I wanted to bring the purse with the brick in it in case you read the other things on this list and think you're totally going to score.

21.I'm late, but, interestingly, had enough time to put on mascara.
Unless you like looking like you crusted tar on your lashes most people should not be able to tell you have on mascara. Especially guys.

22.I tell you about the new Coldplay album, developments in the Pinochet case, or the new limited-release Dave Eggers novel I "just happened to hear about" because last time we spoke, you mentioned your interest in the London sound, international law, or postmodern literature, respectively.
It couldn't possibly be that I have a decent memory and basic social and conversational skills.

23.I ask you if you know where the coatroom/bathroom/VIP room in this place is. When you tell me, I raise my eyebrows, turn, and walk in the correct direction.
What? No, really, WHAT? This is going to lead to oh so many unfortunate accusations of sexual assault. And/or a lot of assaults with very heavy handbags. Somehow, I don't think that's a very healthy suggestion "Men's Health."

24.I'm in the bathroom for more than 3 minutes, which is always more than adequate time to actually pee.
Bullshit it's enough time to pee. Has the idiot woman who wrote this article never been in a ladies room with insufficient stalls? Especially in a bar?

25.I ask if you want a taste of my dinner, meaning I'm willing to share more than my gnocchi.
Hurr, Italian dumplings are such a wonderful double-entendre. I call bullshit on this too - offering to share a bite is often just polite.

26.You've taken over the starring role in all my fantasies. You have no way of detecting this, just thought you'd like to know . . .
face:palm

27.I remove any article of clothing other than my coat.
So, in order to not send the wrong signals, I should keep on my earmuffs, hat, scarf, gloves, and mittens. Sexay.


4 comments:

Michele said...

Hi! I've been following your blog for a short time now (lurking), but just HAD to comment on this post! I was laughing SO hard I woke up the dog and she gave me that "geeze, the lady has totally lost it again!" look.
My remarks to the article would have been very close.
Moral of the story? If she is smart, doesn't cake on the eye makeup, and wears more than two items of clothing she is NOT into you.
p.s. also, Any woman over the age of 22 knows you don't drink bottled beer right after applying sticky lip gloss!
Thanks for the Sunday night laugh!

Shoveling Ferret said...

Hi, Michele! I'm glad you enjoyed this post. I'm also glad I'm not the only one who wakes up the dog laughing AND gets the "jeez, stupid human!" look.

My husband and I were having such a good laugh over the list I couldn't resist mocking it here.
Seriously - so many poor guys are going to get smacked if they believe this garbage.

Anyway - hope you continue to enjoy my ramblings!

Chip said...

Re: #6 -- A friend of mine related this scene she witnessed in Abbeville, LA. A woman kept having her date buy her champagne, and he was obviously concerned about the cost, so suggested she might like a beer instead. Her reply (for the voice think Patty and Selma on the Simpsons): "Champagne is more classy. Besides, beer makes me fart."

#13 -- I promise I wasn't hitting on you all those times I brought up That Celebrity...

#15 -- "Rod-fest"? Is that like a car convention? Or some stupid euphemism like "sausage party"?

#18b -- Wait, what are the "Mick Jagger Laws of Chemistry"? Women are inexplicably attracted to geriatric, big-lipped Englishmen in tight pants?

Shoveling Ferret said...

Bwahahaha! "That Celebrity" nice...