1. If someone invents a time machine and I go back to ancient Egypt, scribes better watch out. I will be pimp-slapping every last one of those bastards.
2. Claim Europe.
3. Print this out and take a copy to Charles Darwin. For the lulz.
4. Find the Trolololo guy and kill him. With extreme prejudice. Seriously, Soviet Russia, what the hell? Why on Earth didn't they weaponize this guy and his creepy smiley-ness? The fact that he reminds me vividly of someone I went to grad school with doesn't help. Also not helping: Tom and Chip breaking out into the song randomly. Sigh.