Blurgh and some crocheting

As I said last time, the past few weeks have been rough. I'm not sure if I've been in a CFS flare, if my thyroid meds need to be adjusted, or what, but most the past month I've been dizzy to the point of greying out for no apparent reason, almost throwing up if I bent over, and exhausted - if I read a book as opposed to a bright, active computer screen I start to doze off, no matter how much sleep I've had or how recently I had been asleep.

Not as much has gotten done around the apartment as some might expect. I've done the best I can while not making myself feel intensely worse, pass out, or throw up. It's made me feel horrible and guilty and useless to not be able to do as much as I'd like, but I've tried to do a little every day, even if it isn't all that noticeable and to be gentle and kind to myself, using some of the skills mindfulness has been teaching me.

We have finally gotten our insurance cards, so I can start seeing doctors again.

This past week has been devoted to coping with and recovering from a bladder/kidney infection. I wound up going to the ER Sunday night after attempts to tough it out from Friday onward failed. I think the last time I was in that much lasting pain was when I had my spinal tap. I was going to wait until Monday and find a clinic or something, but realized I simply couldn't make it through the night with the kind of flank pain I had.

Fortunately the ER staff were nice and I've had a week of Cipro and some pain meds that I've used sparingly. While I'm grateful for the Cipro, the side-effects blow goats. It seems to cause severe headaches (though that might have been the infection) that throb with the slightest movement. Far worse than the migraines I usually have. And no response to meds.
Gut pain from the infection was a problem to the point I had trouble sleeping until recently and I get a little flare of pain again now and again that could be my kidney or could just be a grumpy ovary or a weird back spasm.
Up until today I've had major problems brain wise - lots of forgetfulness, typos, silly errors, forgotten words, dropping things, running into things.

And I've started having major pain and stiffness when I get out of bed. In the arches of my feet and the sides of my hips. What the hell? Why those specific areas? I have no idea. Cipro can do weird things to tendons and muscles, so I'm hoping this will go away when I finish taking it and isn't some new, weird permutation of some part of my sickliness. I've had more generalized weakness/pain. I don't really know how else to describe it - usually in my shoulders and hips. Holding anything up above my head, even very light things is exhausting with the edge of hurt that usually means muscle failure is imminent. Really hoping that's a Cipro thing too, but I suspect it's more a thyroid thing.

Anyway, that's the health report. I've been working through a mindfulness workbook and working on acknowledging my feelings and states of being, including pain and sickness and discomfort and anger along with happiness and joy and anticipation and letting them be. That's part of the reason for the detail here. I also hope that others reading this and going through similar things won't feel quite so alone in it.

I have finally started crafting again. I've been doing some spinning, though I've been limited by that weird shoulder pain/weakness thing.

I ordered a bunch of soap samples from Chagrin Valley Soaps. I tried them in the past and couldn't quite get the hang of the shampoo bars and had trouble keeping the soap intact. I have shorter hair now and very different water, so I'm hoping for a better result. Also hoping the soaps might help with some of my random eczema and cystic acne and seborrheic dermatitis crap. My complexion is an absolute mess at the moment and it makes me sad in addition to being uncomfortable.

To help solve the problem of keeping the soap intact, I decided to crochet some soap sacks. Pop the bar in there, use it as a combo scrubby/soap, and then hang it to dry when finished. Sweet! Just finished the first one in about 45 minutes, using Cassiemarie's Soap Saver

In other news, Google + and Google Reader are pissing me off big time. I cannot find a way to share web pages directly to Google + via a share button browser plug-in the way Facebook, Twitter, and Delicious (and many others) can.
And the new Google Reader has apparently stopped working with the "note this in Reader" bookmarklet, which would also allow you to share webpages directly without having to open a new tab and cut and paste crap.
I am unamused.

Depression Strikes Again

Image via Wikipedia

It's the mummy of Ramses II.  Not really applicable, I just wanted to put  it in

I had another bad episode of depression crop up last weekend, which is why the blog has been so quiet for over a week. 
I'm feeling much better now emotionally, though the weather has been hard on me physically.  Almost every day has gotten me a weather warning for either arthritis or migraine.  Buhh.

We're still watching events in Egypt unfold and hoping for the best for Egyptians.

On a lighter note, I've been sleeping in more the past week (into the afternoon, frequently) and it seems as though every time I stagger out of bed, often the first thing I find out is that someone has been deposed or protests have cropped up somewhere new. 

Seesaw

Image via WikipediaI feel as though I've been on one lately. 
My depression has reared it's ugly and unwelcome head again, which has left me weepy and distraught alternating with okay and fairly cheery the past few days.  Bleh.
And the past month has been a weird span of increased fatigue and apathy and migraines interspersed with some okay and even good moments.  Bleh, again.  And all that has meant I've been less consistent with exercise, which has all of me creakier and more painful which doesn't help matters.

The freezing cold also doesn't help.  It's a major act of willpower to take my socks and slippers off to do yoga with the Wii Fit.  Brrrrrrrr.  Add in trying to do anything too motion-intensive or that involves inverting my head when I have a migraine and blech.  Although I guess my feet would be warmer if I barfed on them.

I'm also having a bit of trouble communicating with my therapist, which is something I hope to resolve at our next appointment, first via discussion or, if necessary, requesting to see someone else.  I'm nervous about asserting myself in this context, but resolved to do it anyway.  Failing to address the issue isn't going to do anyone any favors. 
Wish me luck. 

In better news, my new reading glasses seem to be helping immensely with some of my neck pain now that I'm no longer straining forward to read.  There's still some soreness, I think from my neck and shoulders readjusting to a better position, but it's not nearly as awful and I haven't had as much neck pain with my migraines. 

I also got a new chair today to use for crafting.  I'm hoping a comfortable, supportive chair will make it easier and therefore more likely for me to go play with polymer clay and my sewing machine. 

And I bought a book holder so it's easier for me to read when my arthritis flares up in my hands.

I am sincerely hoping a recent med change will kick in soon regarding the depression and the migraines.  I hate this crap, especially feeling worthless and awful and like some sissy drama queen and then feeling awful for feeling like that, and... 
I'm still not entirely convinced drilling a hole in my head wouldn't help.   Or a knitting needle up the nose?

Truce?

Image via Wikipedia

Apparently this is a "smooth Oreo"

I believe the monster and I may have managed a truce.  I feel a bit better today mood-wise, though I do have a migraine.  :P  At least I'm back to my usual cynical grousing and bitching rather than the weepy mush I was the past few days.  Waaaay better, right?
I've stayed in bed with my new pink jammies from my Nana and shared powdered donuts with Oreo and goofed off on the internets.
The monster has stayed away today.  Hopefully will remain away.

Don't Feed the Monster

Image by kevindooley via Flickr

If I turn green and line-y, someone get me some better drugs, stat.

Late last night we got back from visiting my family in Nevada for about 10 days.  More about that in other posts.
Part of the trip was just to visit family I haven't seen in years.  Another part of it was to see my Nana, who has esophageal cancer.  She has chosen, with the approval of her doctors, to forgo treatment and so it is just a matter of time before she'll leave us.  It was wonderful to see her.  Her hearing and eyesight are not so wonderful and she tires more easily, but otherwise I think she's doing fairly well, all things considered.
Unfortunately, we didn't take the opportunity for a side trip to visit one of my uncles.  He was admitted to the hospital the day after we went back to Las Vegas from Reno.  He's in his 80s, his heart is apparently working at only 30% capacity.  I haven't seen him or my aunt since I was married 7 years ago.  My aunt has lost her hearing in the past few years, so communication is a bit challenging.
I had to watch my dad try to make the agonizing decision of whether to try to drive up there (and dad is disabled from arthritis in knees, hip, and back) to see his only remaining brother and possibly only contribute to the fuss and stress or wait and possibly not have a chance to say goodbye.  Fortunately, my uncle seems to be doing a bit better and dad managed to talk to him briefly on the phone - he's mostly just tired and wants to rest.
Last night, from the time we got off the plane in Chicago and all the way home I was fighting back tears.    I'm not entirely sure why - there are the obvious reasons, of course, but I don't usually do that sort of thing.  I sobbed for quite a while when we finally got home.  I've been doing the same thing on and off all day today.
I hate it.
I'm terrified it's the depression monster making a return.  I've had only a few brief episodes of non-situational depression in the past 2 years - they were fairly minor and passed quickly.
This is awful.  I can't point to a reason why I'm crying, I can't really point to a cluster of reasons.  It was hard to come back to Chicago and the rigamarole of PT and therapy and doctors and work and bad weather and being shut in.
But mostly I'm just unspeakably, inexplicably sad and fragile and convinced everyone is upset or angry at me or about me and flitting about the edges, taunting me is that faint thread of "it would be easier if I were gone."  It's not constant, it's not a plan, it is not yet to the emergency stage (and I give you all my word that we can judge when it does become an emergency and what to do and steps will be taken), but it is awful.  It's not *me,* dammit.

I sway back and forth between wanting to talk and be with people and wanting the world to go away.  I don't want for people to see me like this.  And it's nearly impossible for me to really communicate sometimes when the monster is here.  And I get so over-sensitive that it sometimes feels like everything anyone says is hurtful or angry or exasperated.
And then I have a few minutes of normal.
And then I'm overwhelmed again and even deciding to get up and have water is an agonizing decision.
And what else to do is a difficult or impossible to decide - what do I do to starve the monster instead of feeding it?
If I go and rest and try to sleep and cancel PT tomorrow to give myself another day to simply *be* at home is that good or is it chunking a juicy steak right at that bastard?
Should I keep aimlessly surfing the web or pick up a book or watch TV?  And if I can't keep focused on any of those will it feed the monster more?
Should I force myself to do things or take a bit of rest?  Is resting feeding the damn thing?  Can I trust my natural inclinations or fight against them?
Am I just overwhelmed from travel and grief and pushing harder than usual and trying to hide symptoms and residual thyroid ick?  Or is the monster coming to stay for a while?

Image via Wikipedia

Wut?  Does that mean that anxiety makes me sneeze?

I'm hoping I'll feel better soon.  I'd rather not make this blog into Emo Central.