Ancient Letter to Pharaoh Found : Discovery News

Ancient Letter to Pharaoh Found : Discovery News

Apparently addressed to Akhenaten, it's Akkadian written in cuneiform (which was the common language of diplomacy at the time) and was found outside the city walls of Old Jerusalem.
Only a few words can be made out, so I think it's time for a rousing game of mad-libs.

Here are the words if you're too lazy to read the whole article:
“you,” “you were,” “later,” “to do” and “them,”

My tentative reconstruction:
Dear Akhenaten:
You look like a freak in all your depictions. What the hell is up with that? Also, you were supposed to help me whup up on my neighboring city-states, but you just keep sending me letters blathering about the sun disk and telling me "we'll take care of it later, it's on my to do list." I'm getting tired of waiting. Those asshats at Gezer keep talking smack and saying that we suck. I seriously hate them. Please send lots of gold and an army so that I might smite their asses in your glorious, moobied name.
Vassal King Who Will Be Ignored


Julie said...

Love it. Laughing my butt off over here. I always think it's cool when we find diplomatic mail thousands of years later, even if it doesn't really say anything.

Shoveling Ferret said...

There are times I'm tempted to send these posts to my old profs and be all "see, totally using my degree even though I'm cripplified" but then I remember that at least one of them is probably capable of using Egyptian magic and will give me boils or some crap.

Anonymous said...

Sauntered on over here from CB on Ravelry. You are funny as hell. :D