Debut Performance of the Cripple Ballet

I think I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I had a chest x-ray today. Not too much of a big deal. Well, the waiting room was awful because someone (Tom) beat me to the chair on the end of the row so I had to sit next to Mr. BO and Bad Breath. Ew. He was also huge, so I couldn't exactly call him on it.

Then the gown they gave me was size Godzilla and I couldn't figure out if the ties went on the front or the back. Yay. I only had to take off stuff from the waist up, though, so that was something.

So, they get me in for the x-ray. I of course have to give up my cane. Then the tech wraps a lead skirt around me to "protective your reproductive organs." I resisted the urge to tell him not to bother and that I'd like to have flippered children or possibly one of the X-Men. So, the x-ray. The first image was okay, I pretty much had to press my boobs up against a plate on the wall and take a deep breath.

Then he made me turn sideways. And keep my feet together. And raise my arms over my head. Let me remind you all that 1) Putting my feet together usually means I wobble. A lot. A whole lot. 2) I had the stupid gown on with the ties in the front and it kept gaping open. 3) I was wearing a freakin' lead skirt.

Yeah.

I wound up sort of braced against the wall plate, hands sort of above my head but with my elbows bent and totally not centered like some sort of drunken Hindu statuette while I prayed for the lead skirt not to fall off and the stupid gown not to gape open any further. All while my left thigh decided to start vibrating in protest.

Remarkably, the tech only needed to take one shot like that. It is possible, however, that he just wanted my wobbly, boob-flashing freak self out of there.

Cripple ballet, I tell you.