PoppySeed the Pomeranian, despite being a wonderful, cuddly, delightful little ball of fluff did not work out for his trial.
Unfortunately, I had over-estimated my ability to cope with a younger dog - he's about a year old, plus a jealous Oreo.
So, I'm upset in two ways - one because PoppySeed was a love and I really, really wish we could have kept him. And two, because I've just had a fairly harsh reminder of where my limits are and that they are closer than I thought.
This follows on the heels of a mini-breakdown the last week of November when I had to call off from work and spend a few days in bed because I was physically and mentally exhausted to the point of collapse and slight mental health crisis.
It used to be that I could work around my crashes. I knew they were inevitable, but through the last years of college and through most of grad school I could push past the collapse point so long as I could crash at the end of a few days or a week. I didn't even really realize then that that isn't exactly normal.
I no longer get to work around or stave off the crash or flare or whatever the hell you call it when it feels like I have the flu, can barely move (except for involuntary movements), need to sleep or stay lying down, and burst into tears with a side of ramped up anxiety and suicidal ideation. It just hits. If I'm lucky I notice the warning signs and am able to do self-care. If not, I feel worse for longer.
I am at least grateful that I can take steps to mitigate the crash if I can just rest for a week (sometimes more). And I'm even more grateful that most of the people around me have come to understand and accept that and don't seem to think it makes me lazy or worthless.
Anyway, I'll miss the adorable little fluffy monster, PoppySeed. I know he'll find a happy forever-home. For now, it will just be Oreo and me around the house during the day.