What little reliable information I can find about Functional Movement Disorders says that, while improvement may occur over time, there will be highs and lows in that overall trend toward improvement.
I'm not sure if the last week or so has been a low or a plateau or what, but it hasn't been pleasant.
I've been dealing with a constant sore throat and general feeling of mank for a month or more. I often describe my general overall sense of health as feeling as though I'm just coming down with or just getting over a cold or flu. This has been a touch worse, but something I can generally cope with. I'm guessing it's more related to allergies and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome than FMD. I have noticed that the general feeling of flu-ish-ness gets worse if I over do it physically.
The past week or so, though, has seen what seem to me anyway, like setbacks or stuckedness with my movement issues. I've been far more tremory. A certain level of tremor in my hands is "normal" for me and has been since about 2007, but this has been body-wide. Wii Fit Plus exercises have been more challenging and I haven't been doing as well at them - that, at least, is a more objective measure than my overall sense - the scores are there to see. And I can't seem to push past 12 or 13 minutes without trouble.
I've had or been getting over or coming down with a migraine what seems like almost constantly all summer.
I've been under a bit of stress - I suppose the job interview last week might have contributed a bit. My pelvic movements have been the worst they've been since May starting Wednesday evening. I'd barely had *any* major involuntary movement in my pelvis/lower torso since May, actually. It's deeply frustrating. It's also uncomfortable.
I've been in more pain in general lately and had more brain-fog days.
I've been sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still feeling exhausted. And my sleep schedule is shot to hell.
It would be easy, at this point, to say "screw it" and give up, but obviously that's not what I'm going to do. I do my Wii Fit every day. I try to get out and walk (though the heat wave made that hard). My new therapist has arrived and settled in and I had my first appointment with her last week. My formal physical therapy is coming up in August. I try to be as active as my brain and body allow in any given day. It's very rare I spend a day in bed.
It's just deeply frustrating and a little frightening. I'm trying, I really am and I do feel better, but not well. And the very nature of FMD or psychogenic disorders or whatever you want to call them suggests that the ability to heal resides directly with me. Which makes it very easy to feel guilty about not being better. To wonder if I really want to be better. Is my brain playing tricks on me? Am I playing tricks on myself? Despite all the evidence that I am reasonably insightful am I missing some huge part of the picture. Am I, in fact, seeing some benefit to being sick that I just refuse to acknowledge? Something powerful enough to keep me disabled?
Or is that a bunch of bull-shit?
And on top of that - does it matter?