6.22.2010
6.21.2010
Whatever, Animal Psychologists
Supposedly a good way to deal with doggies who are frightened by thunderstorms is not to comfort or soothe them because that reinforces the idea that something is wrong or that they should be afraid. Instead, you should try to distract them by playing or something.
Yeah. Right.
I just tried to get Oreo to play with one of his tugs and got the look of utter doggy disdain. The expression that clearly says "Woman, what the hell is wrong with you? There is a freakin' THUNDERMONSTER right outside and you taunt me with that stupid toy thing?"
Just a few minutes prior he was trying to claw his way into the bathroom with me. If I hadn't already been in there, he may well have been trying to herd me in there because, apparently, he is aware that bathrooms are often the safest rooms in the event of thunderstorms or tornadoes. He regularly tries to get me into the bathroom during storms. The very same dog who occasionally runs to the wrong door of the apartment when Tom comes home and who still has trouble grasping the idea of looking at what you're pointing at instead of at your finger is somehow conversant with basic emergency procedure.
I pointed out to him that I don't understand why he always comes to me when there's a storm. Tom is much bigger and therefore likely better protection. For once he listened to me:
Notice the paw carefully placed over one of Tom's feet so as to keep the protective shin fence in place. Also, he looks extra pitiful. And keeps looking at the door uneasily now and then.
Thundermonsters: serious business. Water falling from the sky and leaving puddles in which I could DROWN: also serious business.
It's going to be a hard night for a little dog. And probably for me too because odds are he's going to wind up sleeping on my CPAP hose trying to get as close to me as possible.
Yeah. Right.
I just tried to get Oreo to play with one of his tugs and got the look of utter doggy disdain. The expression that clearly says "Woman, what the hell is wrong with you? There is a freakin' THUNDERMONSTER right outside and you taunt me with that stupid toy thing?"
Just a few minutes prior he was trying to claw his way into the bathroom with me. If I hadn't already been in there, he may well have been trying to herd me in there because, apparently, he is aware that bathrooms are often the safest rooms in the event of thunderstorms or tornadoes. He regularly tries to get me into the bathroom during storms. The very same dog who occasionally runs to the wrong door of the apartment when Tom comes home and who still has trouble grasping the idea of looking at what you're pointing at instead of at your finger is somehow conversant with basic emergency procedure.
I pointed out to him that I don't understand why he always comes to me when there's a storm. Tom is much bigger and therefore likely better protection. For once he listened to me:
Notice the paw carefully placed over one of Tom's feet so as to keep the protective shin fence in place. Also, he looks extra pitiful. And keeps looking at the door uneasily now and then.
Thundermonsters: serious business. Water falling from the sky and leaving puddles in which I could DROWN: also serious business.
It's going to be a hard night for a little dog. And probably for me too because odds are he's going to wind up sleeping on my CPAP hose trying to get as close to me as possible.
Exhaustion
Tom found this chair during the end of academic year move-out and brought it home. Guess who spends the most time in it?
Granny Square
I agreed to contribute a square to a sympathy afghan for a friend of a friend who had a sudden health crisis in the last few months. Finally got around to actually making the square today.I used a pattern from SmoothFox - a Celtic Granny Square and worked it up in some Pine Simply Soft Eco. It went much faster than expected andI think it turned out lovely. The free pattern includes instructions for single or multiple colors, so I may works with this a bit more in future.
Plus I got to use one of my polymer clay handled crochet hooks.
I did most of it sitting on my zafu while watching the first episode of Elizabeth R. My back is less than pleased about this. I've now retreated to the couch and my "boyfriend pillow" and heating pad.
Not terribly much else going on lately. I had one of my very bad migraines starting Thursday night with the major pain lasting through Friday and residual suckage through today. The concurrent thunderstorms aren't helping.
I've also been a bit depressed, but I suspect the migraine had a role in that.
Hoping to get going on some other projects this week. I'd like to try designing my own amigurumi for sale as finished objects and/or as patterns, but keep feeling inadequate to the actual task and so keep doing loads of "research" into pattern templates, etc., etc., without actually doing anything.
The same with polymer clay stuff. Must actually do instead of just thinking.
There's also sewing to be done. I'm finding long-ish skirts more and more comfortable lately for a variety of reasons and would like to make some out of cotton in some good neutral colors. I've got fabric and pattern for jammies waiting. And I've still got an excessive amount of buckwheat hulls and a ton of fabric a lovely friend from Ravelry sent to me waiting to be made into pillows and hot/cold packs.
I also need to quit daydreaming about the homestead. It'll happen when it happens. Chickens! Vegetables! Goats! Bunnehs! Horsies!
Not terribly much else going on lately. I had one of my very bad migraines starting Thursday night with the major pain lasting through Friday and residual suckage through today. The concurrent thunderstorms aren't helping.
I've also been a bit depressed, but I suspect the migraine had a role in that.
Hoping to get going on some other projects this week. I'd like to try designing my own amigurumi for sale as finished objects and/or as patterns, but keep feeling inadequate to the actual task and so keep doing loads of "research" into pattern templates, etc., etc., without actually doing anything.
The same with polymer clay stuff. Must actually do instead of just thinking.
There's also sewing to be done. I'm finding long-ish skirts more and more comfortable lately for a variety of reasons and would like to make some out of cotton in some good neutral colors. I've got fabric and pattern for jammies waiting. And I've still got an excessive amount of buckwheat hulls and a ton of fabric a lovely friend from Ravelry sent to me waiting to be made into pillows and hot/cold packs.
I also need to quit daydreaming about the homestead. It'll happen when it happens. Chickens! Vegetables! Goats! Bunnehs! Horsies!
6.18.2010
Seven Years Ago Today
Tom and I got married. It was an adventure. Continues to be one, really. Wouldn't trade it for anything.
Last two photos were taken during our first season in Sudan by one of our team-mates. One at the end of a fairly windy day (sunscreen plus wind plus facing into the dirt = messy) and the other sitting on the bank of the Nile just before going for a quick swim.
Also, the finest ass in Buhen Temple. And a very tasteful picture of it at that.
Also, the finest ass in Buhen Temple. And a very tasteful picture of it at that.
6.16.2010
Finished Pug
Last night I finished making a pug amigurumi using a pattern from the wonderful June at Planet June. Despite her wonderful pattern instructions and equally wonderful on-line tutorials, I think the color changes in the eye-mask area turned out a little wonky, but she's still a cute little pug baby. I'm hoping she'll be loved by her recipient. As it is, I think I may have blisters on my fingers from all that crocheting. :P
I'm ashamed to admit I've barely used my zafu since finishing it. It seems every time I'm about to move from the couch to it Oreo decides he wants to climb in my lap and I can't resist doggie cuddle time.
I'm ashamed to admit I've barely used my zafu since finishing it. It seems every time I'm about to move from the couch to it Oreo decides he wants to climb in my lap and I can't resist doggie cuddle time.
6.07.2010
Finished Zafu
6.06.2010
Zafu Pinning and When Did I Start Getting Old
Today I finally got around to working on the zafu some more. After careful deliberation, I pretty much decided that the numbers and weirdness from the PDF pattern I had were worthless and decided to mostly wing it. Today I tried to start pinning the circles to the pleated sidewall bit. And broke my brain.
So, I started whimpering online. But, Alwen came to the rescue! Yay! I've got at least one of the damned circles pinned. I had to take a break as my back decided to start being all "Biznatch, I *know* you aren't going to make me stand up or sit and work after days of that stupid video game and walking." So, I made a cup of tea and settled back on the couch with heating pad after taking pictures of the pinned zafu and then loosing the camera and wandering around the apartment looking for it like a fool.
And then my Mom called from my nephew's graduation party. Who let him turn 18? He's joining the Army! And he sounds *just like my Dad*! Plus, he's huge - entirely too big to be taken down with a well-aimed cane swipe. What is this?!? I'm not grown up! Who let him be!?!
Anyway, pinning the zafu drove home an important point. A lot of things start to make a lot more sense once you actually start doing them than they do when you're staring at them and then at directions trying to make sense of them. It also drove home the important point that without the internet I would probably be in a corner covered in fabric and pins rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
And on a side note - that damn flying bird game on Wii Fit Plus can suck gangrenous donkey balls. And that stupid thing is going to say I'm 40 until I actually *am* 40. And my hips and back and shoulders hurt. Stupid freakin' being healthy...
So, I started whimpering online. But, Alwen came to the rescue! Yay! I've got at least one of the damned circles pinned. I had to take a break as my back decided to start being all "Biznatch, I *know* you aren't going to make me stand up or sit and work after days of that stupid video game and walking." So, I made a cup of tea and settled back on the couch with heating pad after taking pictures of the pinned zafu and then loosing the camera and wandering around the apartment looking for it like a fool.
And then my Mom called from my nephew's graduation party. Who let him turn 18? He's joining the Army! And he sounds *just like my Dad*! Plus, he's huge - entirely too big to be taken down with a well-aimed cane swipe. What is this?!? I'm not grown up! Who let him be!?!
Anyway, pinning the zafu drove home an important point. A lot of things start to make a lot more sense once you actually start doing them than they do when you're staring at them and then at directions trying to make sense of them. It also drove home the important point that without the internet I would probably be in a corner covered in fabric and pins rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
And on a side note - that damn flying bird game on Wii Fit Plus can suck gangrenous donkey balls. And that stupid thing is going to say I'm 40 until I actually *am* 40. And my hips and back and shoulders hurt. Stupid freakin' being healthy...
6.04.2010
Suck It, Wii Fit Plus!
I did another body test today. My age dropped to 34. Wooo!
I'm also in a fair amount of pain, but whatever.
Also, the juggling game is IMPOSSIBLE!
I'm also in a fair amount of pain, but whatever.
Also, the juggling game is IMPOSSIBLE!
6.03.2010
Self-Esteem Boosting
Wii Fit Plus thinks I'm 50 and is shocked that I can walk without tripping over myself. And Oreo likes to bark at the background noises in the meditation/Lotus Position mini-game and otherwise make a distraction of himself. Also, I think it wants me to gain weight so my BMI is a perfect 22, but it can suck it. Most of my clothes fit and we're keeping it that way.
It says Tom is 39 and also thinks his balance sucks, but for a different reason.
We're of course responding to this in a completely mature reaction and at no point have I flipped off the machine or Tom. Nor has Tom said anything like "it's okay, I am only 39 and you're 50."
Oreo weighs 15 lbs. He doesn't get to play any games though.
All of the balance games were a challenge and even with just 5 minutes of playing, I have aches.
Also, WTF is up with the random flying Panda heads in the Soccer Ball Heading game? Are they randomly assaulting furries and throwing their costumes at us?
Anyway, the plan is to do at least 5 minutes with it every day, probably yoga in the mornings, but possibly other things and keep up with my daily walks too. We'll see how that goes for being enough, but not too much activity.
Tom is doing the skateboarding right now and it looks awesome but really freakin' hard. Oreo is deeply baffled by Tom trying to speed up by moving his foot on the floor, which is hilarious. He just sat right next to him and stared up at his face for a good minute with his head slightly tilted. Then, since we're obviously playing some sort of game, even if it is a weird human game, he went to get his tennis ball and join in.
It says Tom is 39 and also thinks his balance sucks, but for a different reason.
We're of course responding to this in a completely mature reaction and at no point have I flipped off the machine or Tom. Nor has Tom said anything like "it's okay, I am only 39 and you're 50."
Oreo weighs 15 lbs. He doesn't get to play any games though.
All of the balance games were a challenge and even with just 5 minutes of playing, I have aches.
Also, WTF is up with the random flying Panda heads in the Soccer Ball Heading game? Are they randomly assaulting furries and throwing their costumes at us?
Anyway, the plan is to do at least 5 minutes with it every day, probably yoga in the mornings, but possibly other things and keep up with my daily walks too. We'll see how that goes for being enough, but not too much activity.
Tom is doing the skateboarding right now and it looks awesome but really freakin' hard. Oreo is deeply baffled by Tom trying to speed up by moving his foot on the floor, which is hilarious. He just sat right next to him and stared up at his face for a good minute with his head slightly tilted. Then, since we're obviously playing some sort of game, even if it is a weird human game, he went to get his tennis ball and join in.
5.28.2010
New Hair for Me, New Shoes for Tom
I couldn't take it anymore and got my hair cut off again the way it was since, oh, I graduated from high school up until 2 years ago or so. Yay, less hair. Yah, more spikes. I really, really like it. It doesn't look quite as awesome as it did just after the cut since I was stupid and wandering around getting overheated, but, yay! Awesome! I think I'm just going to be one of those women who has short hair for most of her life - famous examples that come to mind are Julie Andrews and Judi Dench and, really, I could be in far, far worse company. (Also, I can I be M when I grow up?) Hilariously, the stylist and her supervisor both commented "yeah, that looks more like it fits you" when the cut was done.
I rode the bus to the South Loop to the Paul Mitchell school (yay, cheap cut!) Unfortunately there was a bus back-up and I would up standing in the sun for about 30 or 40 minutes without sunscreen (because I'm stupid and didn't wear any and couldn't bear to keep my cardigan on), but I got there eventually. Then, like an idiot, I walked around after the cut. And very nearly passed out and/or threw up by the time I made it to a nice, air conditioned Best Buy with a nice quiet ladies room in which I rested for probably close to 30 minutes before walking a few more blocks to a shopping center so Tom could meet me with the car when he got finished with work.
One day out from therapy and I already failed this week's assignment: "DON'T OVER-DO IT!" Heh. Hopefully pointing at my head and repeating "but, pixie cuteness!!!!" will get us past that issue...
The plan was to go to REI with our member's 20% off coupon to get Tom some Vibram Five-Finger shoes that we looked at over the weekend. Alas, they were sold out of his size. Fortunately, my girly need to go to Ulta for hair gunk (and lord was that a long, confusing, aggravating process for me and my cheap ass) put us next to another shoe store that happened to have the very shoes he wanted which you can see on his adorable feet below.
To top it all off, we had a tasty, tasty dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen. I may need to sleep for the next two days, but I have awesome pixie punk hair and Tom has wicked cool toe-shoes (of which I am slightly jealous).
I rode the bus to the South Loop to the Paul Mitchell school (yay, cheap cut!) Unfortunately there was a bus back-up and I would up standing in the sun for about 30 or 40 minutes without sunscreen (because I'm stupid and didn't wear any and couldn't bear to keep my cardigan on), but I got there eventually. Then, like an idiot, I walked around after the cut. And very nearly passed out and/or threw up by the time I made it to a nice, air conditioned Best Buy with a nice quiet ladies room in which I rested for probably close to 30 minutes before walking a few more blocks to a shopping center so Tom could meet me with the car when he got finished with work.
One day out from therapy and I already failed this week's assignment: "DON'T OVER-DO IT!" Heh. Hopefully pointing at my head and repeating "but, pixie cuteness!!!!" will get us past that issue...
The plan was to go to REI with our member's 20% off coupon to get Tom some Vibram Five-Finger shoes that we looked at over the weekend. Alas, they were sold out of his size. Fortunately, my girly need to go to Ulta for hair gunk (and lord was that a long, confusing, aggravating process for me and my cheap ass) put us next to another shoe store that happened to have the very shoes he wanted which you can see on his adorable feet below.
To top it all off, we had a tasty, tasty dinner at the California Pizza Kitchen. I may need to sleep for the next two days, but I have awesome pixie punk hair and Tom has wicked cool toe-shoes (of which I am slightly jealous).
5.25.2010
Zafu Production
So, I finally got started on making my very own zafu (meditation cushion) tonight using these instructions.
All well and good except either I messed up or Michigan Buddhists are bad at math. I have my 59 inch strip of cloth. I made 3/4 inch pleates 3 inches apart from each other. I do not have 14 pleats. I have 11. For the time being, I'm inclined to say "so what" and keep on going, but I'm not working on it any more tonight anyway so if a reader who has better sewing or direction following skills than me can point out either how I'm stupid or how it doesn't really matter and everything is cool, that would be awesome. Haven't ironed the pleats yet either, just in case I do need to re-do everything.
All well and good except either I messed up or Michigan Buddhists are bad at math. I have my 59 inch strip of cloth. I made 3/4 inch pleates 3 inches apart from each other. I do not have 14 pleats. I have 11. For the time being, I'm inclined to say "so what" and keep on going, but I'm not working on it any more tonight anyway so if a reader who has better sewing or direction following skills than me can point out either how I'm stupid or how it doesn't really matter and everything is cool, that would be awesome. Haven't ironed the pleats yet either, just in case I do need to re-do everything.
Archaeology, Snark, and Boredom
Tom was foolish enough to show me this the other night. I immediately started naming the pictographs because, dammit, that's what I do. Screw the whole "Man, type 40" or whatever. We all know about my issues with hieroglyphs and hieratic.
So, much snarking ensued.
Other than this, I've been doing a lot of reading and little else lately. Pain levels are up sky high, brain fog is bad, and fatigue is too. I have been doing my daily exercise though. I'm hoping this flair will chill out soon.
Original photo by Cacophony at Wikimedia Commons
So, much snarking ensued.
Other than this, I've been doing a lot of reading and little else lately. Pain levels are up sky high, brain fog is bad, and fatigue is too. I have been doing my daily exercise though. I'm hoping this flair will chill out soon.
Original photo by Cacophony at Wikimedia Commons
5.18.2010
Frustration and Fortitude
Friday I had my first follow-up with my regular neurologist after having seen the fancy-pants guy at Rush and having gotten the Functional Movement Disorder diagnosis.
It was, um, interesting.
I'm not sure exactly what the note from Rush said, but it seemed from the way the conversation proceeded that my neuro is looking at FMD from the icky, old-fashioned "conversion disorder" perspective. Joy. Fortunately, she is willing to learn and wants to continue following up with me and isn't just telling me to get my crazy ass off to the psych department.
And, even more fortunately, my therapist specializes in neuropsych and is all over researching FMD and working with me and the rest of my docs on treatment options. Hopefully after my therapist and neuro talk we'll get closer to the same page.
I fell like I should clarify, before I go further, my issues with "Conversion Disorder" as a label.
1. There is still no adequate scientific model explaining how one develops conversion. What there is seems to be mostly the old Freudian model with a few tweaks.
2. Most of the information available and most of what regular MDs (as opposed to some/most psychiatrists and psychologists) are taught or have access to tends to be the older Freudian model.
3. The Freudian model essentially boils down to "the patience has some subconscious problem or conflict that manifests as a physical symptom." While that may seem fine on the surface, it still has a hell of a lot of baggage in the area of blaming the patient.
4. A lot of the descriptions of Conversion tend to incorporate broader mental health problems as part of the definition. And remember, before it was called "Conversion" it was called "hysteria." Again, more baggage about relative "weakness" and "character." Some of these descriptions are actually sort of offensive and not exactly "objective" either. Again, this leads to further issues in the doctor-patient relationship.
5. There is no distinction made between psychosocial and medical stress.
6. There is no allowance made for patients who are basically psychologically healthy but experiencing functional (physical) symptoms.
7. There is no acknowledgment of the recent research showing clear and evident changes visible in SPECT and PET scans of the brains of people suffering FMD (or Conversion) demonstrating that their nervous systems are doing *something* weird.
In a lot of ways, it all boils down to the old mind-body dichotomy problem that I cursed at Descartes for a few weeks ago.
Clearly, more research is needed, but I think the way MDs are taught and taught to think about "psychological" issues needs to change in a big way.
Anyway, back to the neurology appointment. After we established that I am already on antidepressants and have been for several years and that they have had no noticeable effect on my FMD (sigh) aside from one point when we thought Zoloft may have been causing the damn movements as they started about a month after I started it, we moved on to "um, do you have a therapist you see regularly who you trust?" Bear in mind, I've been telling neurologists for the past 2 years that I am being seen regularly by psych, but that seems to be easily forgotten. I guess if I had to see people in only 15 minute spans every 6 weeks or more I wouldn't be able to remember jack shit either.
So, I gave her my therapist's number. She wandered off to try to get in touch with her, but couldn't. So, she came back. We need to work closely with your therapist and maybe your psychiatrist (who I rarely see and then only for med reviews). Yes, okay, good. I'm all over this one.
Then I brought up physical therapy. Yes, good. Excellent. Got that squared away.
And then I asked about disability.
You'd think I asked her to drill a hole in my head.
"Oh, no! That would be a terrible idea, I just couldn't support that. The whole idea is to get you functional and back in your program and back to work!"
Blink. I let the subject change while I took a few deep breaths and came back to it and said, basically:
"Look, I've been out of work for 2 years. No one can tell me how long it will be before this treatment improves my functionality or even if it definitely will, but the best guesses seem to be in the range of at least 6 months and probably longer. I don't want disability so I can sit on my ass at home and get paid. But there are financial concerns here that are becoming increasingly problematic. And disability isn't just about whatever pittance my tax payments over the years will get me - it will get me access to occupational retraining programs, back to work programs, home business assistance, and a lot of other things."
She still wasn't convinced and told me to ask my psychiatrist. Sigh. My therapist things applying for disability, especially since it's not permanent is a perfectly reasonable idea.
Also, no one seems realize that my goal is NOT to get back to my grad program. If that is the doctor's measure of success, she's going to be really damn disappointed. I thought I'd made that clear, but apparently I didn't. So, I guess I should start blathering at length about teaching/crafting/homesteading as goals during appointments. "I need to be able to ride a horse and herd alpaca, can you get me to that point, doc?"
This is not the first time I've had this reaction to asking about disability (which I HATE asking about, I might add). My primary care doc did the same thing (but was perfectly willing to fill out paperwork saying almost exactly the same thing so I could put my loans in forbearance). I'm starting to think there's some memo going around that says "Oh noes! Disability will turn your patients into feckless zombies!!!! Unless they're on the actual verge of death, it will make them worse! They'll never get well if they get Social Security!!!!"
So, yeah. We'll see what happens with that one.
Yesterday, I found out that physical therapy has an enormous backlog and not enough therapists. They can't see me until August 20. I'm still deciding what to do about that. I should call my insurance company and see if I can go elsewhere and still have it covered, but I'm sick (heh) of dealing with this crap and doubt I'll do much about it until next week at the earliest. My alternative plan, which is only half-joking, is to buy the Wii Fit Plus package and do my own damn PT.
In the meantime, I am doing slowly gradated exercise which is supposed to be good for both FMD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and won't hurt my arthritis. Walking for ten minutes every day even if I feel like total, utter ass. I'm only supposed to do the ten minutes but this being me, of course I did more. And I am suffering for it. Never said I wasn't stubborn to the point of stupidity. So, I clearly need to step back down to the actual ten minutes if I don't want to have to take as many NSAIDs and muscle relaxants (which I don't) or need to sleep for 14 hours.
The idea is to slowly build up stamina and retrain my brain into accepting certain motions and sensations as normal and okay. This also means that I have to push past certain levels of discomfort either by just sucking it up or if necessary with meds. But I have to be careful not to overdo it or I'll exhaust myself which sort of defeats the whole purpose.
Early on, I am not enjoying this so much. The walks themselves have been fine until the very end, when I start to feel sick to my stomach and dizzy. Then within about an hour my whole back goes stiff and hurty. And I've been wanting/needing to sleep 14 or more hours. But this will make me functional, right? :P
It was, um, interesting.
I'm not sure exactly what the note from Rush said, but it seemed from the way the conversation proceeded that my neuro is looking at FMD from the icky, old-fashioned "conversion disorder" perspective. Joy. Fortunately, she is willing to learn and wants to continue following up with me and isn't just telling me to get my crazy ass off to the psych department.
And, even more fortunately, my therapist specializes in neuropsych and is all over researching FMD and working with me and the rest of my docs on treatment options. Hopefully after my therapist and neuro talk we'll get closer to the same page.
I fell like I should clarify, before I go further, my issues with "Conversion Disorder" as a label.
1. There is still no adequate scientific model explaining how one develops conversion. What there is seems to be mostly the old Freudian model with a few tweaks.
2. Most of the information available and most of what regular MDs (as opposed to some/most psychiatrists and psychologists) are taught or have access to tends to be the older Freudian model.
3. The Freudian model essentially boils down to "the patience has some subconscious problem or conflict that manifests as a physical symptom." While that may seem fine on the surface, it still has a hell of a lot of baggage in the area of blaming the patient.
4. A lot of the descriptions of Conversion tend to incorporate broader mental health problems as part of the definition. And remember, before it was called "Conversion" it was called "hysteria." Again, more baggage about relative "weakness" and "character." Some of these descriptions are actually sort of offensive and not exactly "objective" either. Again, this leads to further issues in the doctor-patient relationship.
5. There is no distinction made between psychosocial and medical stress.
6. There is no allowance made for patients who are basically psychologically healthy but experiencing functional (physical) symptoms.
7. There is no acknowledgment of the recent research showing clear and evident changes visible in SPECT and PET scans of the brains of people suffering FMD (or Conversion) demonstrating that their nervous systems are doing *something* weird.
In a lot of ways, it all boils down to the old mind-body dichotomy problem that I cursed at Descartes for a few weeks ago.
Clearly, more research is needed, but I think the way MDs are taught and taught to think about "psychological" issues needs to change in a big way.
Anyway, back to the neurology appointment. After we established that I am already on antidepressants and have been for several years and that they have had no noticeable effect on my FMD (sigh) aside from one point when we thought Zoloft may have been causing the damn movements as they started about a month after I started it, we moved on to "um, do you have a therapist you see regularly who you trust?" Bear in mind, I've been telling neurologists for the past 2 years that I am being seen regularly by psych, but that seems to be easily forgotten. I guess if I had to see people in only 15 minute spans every 6 weeks or more I wouldn't be able to remember jack shit either.
So, I gave her my therapist's number. She wandered off to try to get in touch with her, but couldn't. So, she came back. We need to work closely with your therapist and maybe your psychiatrist (who I rarely see and then only for med reviews). Yes, okay, good. I'm all over this one.
Then I brought up physical therapy. Yes, good. Excellent. Got that squared away.
And then I asked about disability.
You'd think I asked her to drill a hole in my head.
"Oh, no! That would be a terrible idea, I just couldn't support that. The whole idea is to get you functional and back in your program and back to work!"
Blink. I let the subject change while I took a few deep breaths and came back to it and said, basically:
"Look, I've been out of work for 2 years. No one can tell me how long it will be before this treatment improves my functionality or even if it definitely will, but the best guesses seem to be in the range of at least 6 months and probably longer. I don't want disability so I can sit on my ass at home and get paid. But there are financial concerns here that are becoming increasingly problematic. And disability isn't just about whatever pittance my tax payments over the years will get me - it will get me access to occupational retraining programs, back to work programs, home business assistance, and a lot of other things."
She still wasn't convinced and told me to ask my psychiatrist. Sigh. My therapist things applying for disability, especially since it's not permanent is a perfectly reasonable idea.
Also, no one seems realize that my goal is NOT to get back to my grad program. If that is the doctor's measure of success, she's going to be really damn disappointed. I thought I'd made that clear, but apparently I didn't. So, I guess I should start blathering at length about teaching/crafting/homesteading as goals during appointments. "I need to be able to ride a horse and herd alpaca, can you get me to that point, doc?"
This is not the first time I've had this reaction to asking about disability (which I HATE asking about, I might add). My primary care doc did the same thing (but was perfectly willing to fill out paperwork saying almost exactly the same thing so I could put my loans in forbearance). I'm starting to think there's some memo going around that says "Oh noes! Disability will turn your patients into feckless zombies!!!! Unless they're on the actual verge of death, it will make them worse! They'll never get well if they get Social Security!!!!"
So, yeah. We'll see what happens with that one.
Yesterday, I found out that physical therapy has an enormous backlog and not enough therapists. They can't see me until August 20. I'm still deciding what to do about that. I should call my insurance company and see if I can go elsewhere and still have it covered, but I'm sick (heh) of dealing with this crap and doubt I'll do much about it until next week at the earliest. My alternative plan, which is only half-joking, is to buy the Wii Fit Plus package and do my own damn PT.
In the meantime, I am doing slowly gradated exercise which is supposed to be good for both FMD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and won't hurt my arthritis. Walking for ten minutes every day even if I feel like total, utter ass. I'm only supposed to do the ten minutes but this being me, of course I did more. And I am suffering for it. Never said I wasn't stubborn to the point of stupidity. So, I clearly need to step back down to the actual ten minutes if I don't want to have to take as many NSAIDs and muscle relaxants (which I don't) or need to sleep for 14 hours.
The idea is to slowly build up stamina and retrain my brain into accepting certain motions and sensations as normal and okay. This also means that I have to push past certain levels of discomfort either by just sucking it up or if necessary with meds. But I have to be careful not to overdo it or I'll exhaust myself which sort of defeats the whole purpose.
Early on, I am not enjoying this so much. The walks themselves have been fine until the very end, when I start to feel sick to my stomach and dizzy. Then within about an hour my whole back goes stiff and hurty. And I've been wanting/needing to sleep 14 or more hours. But this will make me functional, right? :P
5.12.2010
Amigurumi wheelchair
My crippled ass is loving this amigurumi wheelchair for this legless elephant.
I wonder if I could manage a full-size one? With a jet engine?
I wonder if I could manage a full-size one? With a jet engine?
5.09.2010
5.08.2010
Headless Statue of Ancient Egyptian King Unearthed : Discovery News
Headless Statue of Ancient Egyptian King Unearthed : Discovery News
Probably just the angle, but I'm not so sure that's a king...
Also, there's some bloviating from Zahi and ongoing yammering about Cleopatra (the only one most people know/care about).
Mostly just wanted to mock the photo.
Probably just the angle, but I'm not so sure that's a king...
Also, there's some bloviating from Zahi and ongoing yammering about Cleopatra (the only one most people know/care about).
Mostly just wanted to mock the photo.
5.06.2010
Actual Crafting Content!
Ha, suck it doubters! I do finish a project every now and then. It's almost never something for myself, but hey...
Anyway, I made a little fairy that resembles my niece for Xmas/Birthday/Your-Aunt-Fails-at-Time-Management Day. Ahem. We gave her a book as well. I made an attempt at jewelry but need to figure out how to work with tiny little bits of wire when I have arthritis in my hands. Heh.
I finally finished her while we were down visiting - her constituent parts had been made, but she needed putting together. She's from the pattern/recipe by NeedleNoodles, who is also the author of the very awesome Creepy Cute Crochet
.
Tom was kind enough to take some photos:
Those of you who are squeamish should avert your eyes for the next one, which made me do a spit-take:
I made a little scrubby bath toy to go with a bath book for our baby nephew.
And before we left I frantically raced to finish my crocheted tote bag and sew a lining into it. It didn't turn out quite how I'd hoped, but it's somewhat functional. No photo of it.
I cast on, frogged, and cast on again a beginner pattern for a lace washcloth about 10 times during the trip. It think it's finally going well.
And I've cast on, frogged, and cast on again for a gift due soon-like that is making me ever so slightly grumpy and forcing me to admit that I should probably review a video of knitting in the round with circular needles because I'm clearly screwing up somewhere.
Anyway, I made a little fairy that resembles my niece for Xmas/Birthday/Your-Aunt-Fails-at-Time-Management Day. Ahem. We gave her a book as well. I made an attempt at jewelry but need to figure out how to work with tiny little bits of wire when I have arthritis in my hands. Heh.
I finally finished her while we were down visiting - her constituent parts had been made, but she needed putting together. She's from the pattern/recipe by NeedleNoodles, who is also the author of the very awesome Creepy Cute Crochet
.Tom was kind enough to take some photos:
Those of you who are squeamish should avert your eyes for the next one, which made me do a spit-take:
I made a little scrubby bath toy to go with a bath book for our baby nephew.
And before we left I frantically raced to finish my crocheted tote bag and sew a lining into it. It didn't turn out quite how I'd hoped, but it's somewhat functional. No photo of it.
I cast on, frogged, and cast on again a beginner pattern for a lace washcloth about 10 times during the trip. It think it's finally going well.
And I've cast on, frogged, and cast on again for a gift due soon-like that is making me ever so slightly grumpy and forcing me to admit that I should probably review a video of knitting in the round with circular needles because I'm clearly screwing up somewhere.
5.04.2010
Road Trip!
Last week we headed down to Mississippi for the first time in about 2 years so we could visit Tom's family and so he could defend his thesis and get his MA in Applied Anthropology and I could go visit some old professors of ours at Mississippi State. I wasn't sure how well I would handle an extended car ride (it's roughly 10 hours) but I managed reasonably well, especially since my neurologist prescribed some low dose clonazapam for me to try out for when my back is being particularly stupid. Pretty much the only bad part was discovering that I get a migraine when I'm in our car for more than about an hour even if I'm not driving. Not sure if it's our car or something else, but that's rampant speculation for another time. Taking something doesn't seem to do much for prevention either, it just keeps it from getting totally unbearable.
I just realized it looks like Tom has his eyes closed. That might explain a few things.
The position of the price tag on this bag of Chex mix suggests the ultimate results of consumption.
Oreo's head got in the way when my hand jerked, so here's the blurry photo of his head.
The giant cross of aluminum siding outside Effingham. Because nothing says devout like building a huge aluminum cross in the middle of Illinois that will startle road-dazed drivers.
I pretty much forgot about the camera for most of the rest of the trip. Tom did get some excellent photos of a few projects I finished though, so I'll post those in the next few days.
Tom successfully defended. Yay! He just has to do some final edits and formatting and that good stuff. So, now we're even on the graduate degree front.
Oreo is still recovering from the trip - I think he was terrified we were going to leave him with my in-laws because that's where he stayed the last time we were in Sudan for 2 months. He was definitely freaking out when we starting packing up to come home all the way up the point we actually put him in the car. Poor little dude. He's an excellent little traveler, though. And I like having a warm snuggly on my lap for the trip, at least until he squirms too much and steps on my internal organs.
Oh, and Tom briefly transformed into a douchebag while we were in Mississippi.
All he needs is a flask of Maker's Mark, business cards for his lawyer/politician/lobbyist/upper management dad, and a Confederate flag and he'd be all ready for Pledge Week at Ole Miss.
I deeply and sincerely hope to never, ever again see my husband with
The position of the price tag on this bag of Chex mix suggests the ultimate results of consumption.
I pretty much forgot about the camera for most of the rest of the trip. Tom did get some excellent photos of a few projects I finished though, so I'll post those in the next few days.
Tom successfully defended. Yay! He just has to do some final edits and formatting and that good stuff. So, now we're even on the graduate degree front.
Oreo is still recovering from the trip - I think he was terrified we were going to leave him with my in-laws because that's where he stayed the last time we were in Sudan for 2 months. He was definitely freaking out when we starting packing up to come home all the way up the point we actually put him in the car. Poor little dude. He's an excellent little traveler, though. And I like having a warm snuggly on my lap for the trip, at least until he squirms too much and steps on my internal organs.
Oh, and Tom briefly transformed into a douchebag while we were in Mississippi.
I deeply and sincerely hope to never, ever again see my husband with
- A popped collar
- Any item of Ole Miss memorabilia
- This facial expression
4.30.2010
Clarity and Confusion or Rene Descartes, You F-ing Bastard
I had my big fancy consulation with the big fancy movement disorder specialist at Rush today. Everyone was very nice, etc. etc.
The verdict is that there is no sign of a neurological disease or damage. Rather I have what is variously termed a Functional Movement Disorder, Psychogenic Movement Disorder, or Conversion Disorder. I am choosing to use the term Functional Movement Disorder (FMD) for reasons that are probably clear to many of you or will become clear as I explain further. (Incidentally, I have in the past few hours found the website linked to the most useful and informative of the available resources.)
According to the doctor at Rush and most other sources regardless of the name they use, this is a disorder triggered in part by stress in the sense of biological or physiological stress as well as psychosocial factors and probably other predisposing factors. Patients may or may not have co-existing psychological problems like depression or anxiety. It is not something we do to ourselves or that we can consciously control. It is not a personal weakness or character flaw. It's not something I could necessarily prevented or that is in any way my fault. (If it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself as much as explain things, congratulations, you win a virtual cookie.)
As an explanation of what is going on, probably the best comes from the website I linked above. If you think in terms of a computer malfunctioning you usually think of either hardware problems or software problems. Hardware problems in a neurological sense would be things like MS or Parkinson's or head trauma. You can see them and detect them with tests in the same way that you can often see computer hardware problems visually or detect them with diagnostics. Software problems can be more tricky. You can pop open a computer case and look all you like, but if the software is the problem, you aren't going to see jack shit. My problem and the problem of others diagnosed with FMD is more of a software problem. Somewhere my brain and nervous system are sending messed up signals that make me walk funny and my torso do weird things, etc. To take the metaphor a bit further, I think someone tried to install Microsoft Vista in me.
This stuff is fairly straightforward. Well, not really, but we'll pretend it is. I'm willing to run with it as a working theory. I accept that there are no clear signs of "organic" illness. The abnormalities in my MRIs can be explained by age, smoking, and migraines. My movement symptoms don't look like those seen with autoimmune disorders. My cognitive and fatigue and pain issues can be explained via a combination of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, Hashimoto's thyroiditis, sleep apnea, etc., or by the FMD itself, though given how long the fatigue has been an issue (at least a decade, probably longer) and the positive labs on the other stuff, I'm not inclined to attribute all the fatigue issues to FMD.
I know in the past, as longer term readers or people rummaging in the archives will recall, I have been vocal about having major issues with a diagnosis of somatoform or conversion disorders and variations thereof. I will admit, I am still a bit skeptical. Maybe that's not the proper term. I'm frustrated by the lack of understanding about the disorder, the seeming inability for medicine as a discipline to get a handle on it even to the point of agreeing on terminology and definitions, let alone treatment. There is ongoing debate, tied to deeper issues of philosophy and theory of mind, etc., about whether this is "psychological" or "neurological" or both and what that means. Thus my anger at good old Rene and his stupid ass mind-body dichotomy baggage we're stuck with.
The doctor at Rush feels that it is not merely or purely psychological. My symptoms are no less real for not being caused by something like MS. Recent imaging studies have shown abnormal patterns of brain activation in patients diagnosed with FMD. Coming to accept that this may be the result of a combination of lower-level illness, undefined predisposing factors, and the immense psychosocial stress I was under in the months and years before and during the development of the various symptoms is not an instant cure.
The Rush doctor explained it as an alteration of brain patterns, one that could become permanent, but one that could also, hopefully, be re-patterned back to something approaching normal. Apparently a primary, successful approach is therapy (already doing it) and relaxation techniques (also already doing it) and self-hypnosis (that could have highly entertaining potential - any bets on whether I can convince myself to cluck like a chicken on cue?) According to him the best results in reversal tend to be in the first 5 years since onset. If we date my onset to 2007/8, which is a reasonable assumption, then hopefully we have caught things in time.
Here is where things begin to get tricky, complicated by the confusion over terms, over diagnostic categories (neurology or psych?), the lack of research, the lack of clear understanding of causes, etc. The Rush doctor sounded as though he were confident that treatment would be successful. The sources I've been looking at (all reliable medical stuff, not just random blogs) suggest it isn't that simple. It's a long, challenging process. Many people have recurrences. Some have symptoms that never resolve.
So, I find myself still in a bit of limbo in regard to what I can expect for the future. Obviously, things won't change drastically in the immediate future. The one thing that does seem clear is that treatment is a gradual process often with stops and starts and even the occasional regression. I am hopeful though. And it is an immense relief to have a name even if it does have a whole lot of baggage associated with how we as a society regard mind-body relations and mental or psychological illness, etc., etc.
I am also somewhat conflicted, though less so as the day has gone on. For the past two years I have identified as chronically ill and disabled and for a while I thought that identity had just been pulled away. I suppose this demonstrates just how preoccupied with the movement disorder stuff I have been in that I sort of forgot or discounted the other chronic problems I have going on, problems that are not likely to spontaneously resolve and that will continue to have a major impact on my life.
There is also the issue of psychosocial stress and it's role in all of this. Some of you know the history there. I was in a highly competitive, highly stressful graduate program. On top of that, my first adviser left the university under less than fabulous circumstances just as I was getting ready to take comprehensive exams and propose a dissertation. I wound up losing about a year of time with rescheduling and other fiddling. I then got involved with another project. The first season went wonderfully and I was prepared to work on the materials as part of a dissertation. The second season was, simply put, an utter disaster from a personal standpoint. It's probably best I not go into details but the two months in the field and several months after our return were among the very worst in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that this contributed greatly to the development of my FMD. And so now I'm trying very hard not to get furious about how I was treated and the stupid nonsense that went on not just because it sucked but because, from a certain point of view, it robbed me of 2 years of my life, made me fear my sanity, had me wondering if I had only a few years to live, and well, yeah. Obviously, there's nothing to be gained by apportioning blame. I do have a right to be angry, but it's something I'm going to have to get past. I'm sure it will make things even more complicated, but that's how it is.
Now we're mostly looking toward the future. I'm really hoping I'll be able to drive again or even ride a motorcycle. I would like to be able to work outside the home if I want to. I'd like think more about a teaching certificate or a library science degree. It's highly unlikely I will complete a PhD, especially not at Chicago. There is fairly good evidence that repeated exposure to stress can cause relapses or exacerbate FMD. Even if it didn't, I think I've had enough. I love Egyptology, but I love feeling good about myself and relatively healthy and sane a lot more. If I could wind up teaching history and anthropology as an adjunct at some community college I'd be perfectly happy. And the Etsy/Artfire shop is still a possibility if I can get my butt in gear with production. :P
I still have questions about how long we can anticipate this taking and whether applying for Social Security benefits is something we should consider. I haven't been able to work for 2 years. This diagnosis doesn't mean I suddenly will be able to and treatment is likely to take some time. And having at least some of the income the taxes I paid entitles me to would alleviate some of the psychosocial stress I'm under. It would also make it easier for me to access things like occupational therapy and job re-training or placement.
This isn't the end of the journey by any means, but at least it's a new waypoint and we'll get some new scenery (hopefully). I'm not exactly grateful for all that's happened in the past few years, but there have been some wonderful things that came of it. I learned to appreciate simpler things a lot more. How absolutely wonderful Tom is has been reinforced time and again. I had the chance to learn to craft with crochet and knitting and now spinning and sewing and print-making. I've made some wonderful, fabulous, funny, wise friends I would never have made otherwise. And there's been lots of quality time with Oreo.
The especially good news in all of this is that we aren't tied to Chicago for my treatment. That puts us a little bit closer to the dream of the homestead. And that makes me so happy I get tears in my eyes.
The verdict is that there is no sign of a neurological disease or damage. Rather I have what is variously termed a Functional Movement Disorder, Psychogenic Movement Disorder, or Conversion Disorder. I am choosing to use the term Functional Movement Disorder (FMD) for reasons that are probably clear to many of you or will become clear as I explain further. (Incidentally, I have in the past few hours found the website linked to the most useful and informative of the available resources.)
According to the doctor at Rush and most other sources regardless of the name they use, this is a disorder triggered in part by stress in the sense of biological or physiological stress as well as psychosocial factors and probably other predisposing factors. Patients may or may not have co-existing psychological problems like depression or anxiety. It is not something we do to ourselves or that we can consciously control. It is not a personal weakness or character flaw. It's not something I could necessarily prevented or that is in any way my fault. (If it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself as much as explain things, congratulations, you win a virtual cookie.)
As an explanation of what is going on, probably the best comes from the website I linked above. If you think in terms of a computer malfunctioning you usually think of either hardware problems or software problems. Hardware problems in a neurological sense would be things like MS or Parkinson's or head trauma. You can see them and detect them with tests in the same way that you can often see computer hardware problems visually or detect them with diagnostics. Software problems can be more tricky. You can pop open a computer case and look all you like, but if the software is the problem, you aren't going to see jack shit. My problem and the problem of others diagnosed with FMD is more of a software problem. Somewhere my brain and nervous system are sending messed up signals that make me walk funny and my torso do weird things, etc. To take the metaphor a bit further, I think someone tried to install Microsoft Vista in me.
This stuff is fairly straightforward. Well, not really, but we'll pretend it is. I'm willing to run with it as a working theory. I accept that there are no clear signs of "organic" illness. The abnormalities in my MRIs can be explained by age, smoking, and migraines. My movement symptoms don't look like those seen with autoimmune disorders. My cognitive and fatigue and pain issues can be explained via a combination of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease, Hashimoto's thyroiditis, sleep apnea, etc., or by the FMD itself, though given how long the fatigue has been an issue (at least a decade, probably longer) and the positive labs on the other stuff, I'm not inclined to attribute all the fatigue issues to FMD.
I know in the past, as longer term readers or people rummaging in the archives will recall, I have been vocal about having major issues with a diagnosis of somatoform or conversion disorders and variations thereof. I will admit, I am still a bit skeptical. Maybe that's not the proper term. I'm frustrated by the lack of understanding about the disorder, the seeming inability for medicine as a discipline to get a handle on it even to the point of agreeing on terminology and definitions, let alone treatment. There is ongoing debate, tied to deeper issues of philosophy and theory of mind, etc., about whether this is "psychological" or "neurological" or both and what that means. Thus my anger at good old Rene and his stupid ass mind-body dichotomy baggage we're stuck with.
The doctor at Rush feels that it is not merely or purely psychological. My symptoms are no less real for not being caused by something like MS. Recent imaging studies have shown abnormal patterns of brain activation in patients diagnosed with FMD. Coming to accept that this may be the result of a combination of lower-level illness, undefined predisposing factors, and the immense psychosocial stress I was under in the months and years before and during the development of the various symptoms is not an instant cure.
The Rush doctor explained it as an alteration of brain patterns, one that could become permanent, but one that could also, hopefully, be re-patterned back to something approaching normal. Apparently a primary, successful approach is therapy (already doing it) and relaxation techniques (also already doing it) and self-hypnosis (that could have highly entertaining potential - any bets on whether I can convince myself to cluck like a chicken on cue?) According to him the best results in reversal tend to be in the first 5 years since onset. If we date my onset to 2007/8, which is a reasonable assumption, then hopefully we have caught things in time.
Here is where things begin to get tricky, complicated by the confusion over terms, over diagnostic categories (neurology or psych?), the lack of research, the lack of clear understanding of causes, etc. The Rush doctor sounded as though he were confident that treatment would be successful. The sources I've been looking at (all reliable medical stuff, not just random blogs) suggest it isn't that simple. It's a long, challenging process. Many people have recurrences. Some have symptoms that never resolve.
So, I find myself still in a bit of limbo in regard to what I can expect for the future. Obviously, things won't change drastically in the immediate future. The one thing that does seem clear is that treatment is a gradual process often with stops and starts and even the occasional regression. I am hopeful though. And it is an immense relief to have a name even if it does have a whole lot of baggage associated with how we as a society regard mind-body relations and mental or psychological illness, etc., etc.
I am also somewhat conflicted, though less so as the day has gone on. For the past two years I have identified as chronically ill and disabled and for a while I thought that identity had just been pulled away. I suppose this demonstrates just how preoccupied with the movement disorder stuff I have been in that I sort of forgot or discounted the other chronic problems I have going on, problems that are not likely to spontaneously resolve and that will continue to have a major impact on my life.
There is also the issue of psychosocial stress and it's role in all of this. Some of you know the history there. I was in a highly competitive, highly stressful graduate program. On top of that, my first adviser left the university under less than fabulous circumstances just as I was getting ready to take comprehensive exams and propose a dissertation. I wound up losing about a year of time with rescheduling and other fiddling. I then got involved with another project. The first season went wonderfully and I was prepared to work on the materials as part of a dissertation. The second season was, simply put, an utter disaster from a personal standpoint. It's probably best I not go into details but the two months in the field and several months after our return were among the very worst in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that this contributed greatly to the development of my FMD. And so now I'm trying very hard not to get furious about how I was treated and the stupid nonsense that went on not just because it sucked but because, from a certain point of view, it robbed me of 2 years of my life, made me fear my sanity, had me wondering if I had only a few years to live, and well, yeah. Obviously, there's nothing to be gained by apportioning blame. I do have a right to be angry, but it's something I'm going to have to get past. I'm sure it will make things even more complicated, but that's how it is.
Now we're mostly looking toward the future. I'm really hoping I'll be able to drive again or even ride a motorcycle. I would like to be able to work outside the home if I want to. I'd like think more about a teaching certificate or a library science degree. It's highly unlikely I will complete a PhD, especially not at Chicago. There is fairly good evidence that repeated exposure to stress can cause relapses or exacerbate FMD. Even if it didn't, I think I've had enough. I love Egyptology, but I love feeling good about myself and relatively healthy and sane a lot more. If I could wind up teaching history and anthropology as an adjunct at some community college I'd be perfectly happy. And the Etsy/Artfire shop is still a possibility if I can get my butt in gear with production. :P
I still have questions about how long we can anticipate this taking and whether applying for Social Security benefits is something we should consider. I haven't been able to work for 2 years. This diagnosis doesn't mean I suddenly will be able to and treatment is likely to take some time. And having at least some of the income the taxes I paid entitles me to would alleviate some of the psychosocial stress I'm under. It would also make it easier for me to access things like occupational therapy and job re-training or placement.
This isn't the end of the journey by any means, but at least it's a new waypoint and we'll get some new scenery (hopefully). I'm not exactly grateful for all that's happened in the past few years, but there have been some wonderful things that came of it. I learned to appreciate simpler things a lot more. How absolutely wonderful Tom is has been reinforced time and again. I had the chance to learn to craft with crochet and knitting and now spinning and sewing and print-making. I've made some wonderful, fabulous, funny, wise friends I would never have made otherwise. And there's been lots of quality time with Oreo.
The especially good news in all of this is that we aren't tied to Chicago for my treatment. That puts us a little bit closer to the dream of the homestead. And that makes me so happy I get tears in my eyes.
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